First off Grant, let me say “Welcome Back!” since we’re glad you made a full recovery. While I am a little miffed about you sending out the unedited version of the memo over Halloween, it’s a mistake that can be forgiven in light of what happened. It actually worked out well, since you ended up providing the whole company with proof that I specifically told you not to drink from the pumpkin. Tore that workman’s comp lawsuit apart nicely. Anyway, let’s put the past behind us. You’re back just in time for the company’s annual summer trip to Splash Wasteland, the water park a few miles outside of the city. As before, we’ve got a memo to send, although this time please do not make the same mistake and send out this version. Make the changes I ask for and then send it back to me. No one else. Got it? Good.
Good Morning Everyone! As you all know, this Friday is the annual company trip to Splash Wasteland. I know we’re all excited, but please take a moment to read this over so you’re familiar with the schedule and policies. After what happened over Christmas, I don’t need to tell you the important of these memos. You weren’t here for this, but during the annual Christmas Drinking Contest our department manager was able to chug the bowl of eggnog faster than Mr. Hayes. Per Thunder Pear Publishing rules, that makes him the equivalent of a Baron in Mr. Hayes’s eyes, at least until the rematch. As near as we can tell, Baron equates to something like a VP, meaning the department has more clout than usual. Thus, they have to take our memos seriously. Make sure to take careful note of the below items, as there have been some changes from years prior.
1) The buses will be arriving at 7 am on Friday morning instead of 9. Apparently Mr. Hayes has a “work bender” he’ll be on during Thursday night and rather than sleep he insists on keeping the party going. His exact words were “Can’t get hungover if you never stop drinking” which is sort of accurate, I suppose. Anyway, find a more dignified way to phrase that. As I’m sure many of you can guess, that means this year we will indeed be taking shot buses once more, despite the very adamant requests of Splash Wasteland’s staff. While alcohol will be freely available, we do encourage some moderation during the ride over. We understand that Mr. Hayes will often unilaterally decide that a drinking game has begun and no one can help drinking then, but outside of those circumstances please use discretion.
2) There will be no drugs in the form of pills or powders allowed inside the waterpark grounds. That should go without saying since such substances are illegal; however the company drug policy is somewhat lax, at best. Since last year we had some people forget to empty their pockets before going on rides/in pools, there were a lot of bystanders who got unexpectedly high. Mr. Hayes has put a foot down on this, he does not condone dosing people without their permission. Instead, he will have a stockpile of various “party favors” on hand for employees that can be had freely but not taken into any of the pool areas.
3) Splash Wasteland would like us to remind you all that taking dumps in the public pool is not original, or funny, no matter how comically large they might be. Please use the actual restrooms, for number two at least if not the entire spectrum of bodily functions. To be fair, when Sara snuck horse poop into the lazy river it was pretty funny. Everyone was horrified, but also deeply confused about which person was possibly producing such massive turds. It let to something of a poop-witchhunt, which is probably why the staff doesn’t want a repeat. We didn’t quite get to public burnings, but it was closer than it should have been.
4) While Thunder Pear Publishing has a dress code meant to accommodate the various styles and comfort preferences of our employees, please remember that Splash Wasteland is a public park and therefore decency laws are in full-effect. We ask that you choose a swimsuit appropriate to the amount of coverage necessary to comply with those laws. Grant, tweak this a little. It sounds like I’m body-shaming our staff but I’m just trying to make sure they cover the essentials. There were a lot of reports of toplessness and “hanging brain” as it’s called during last year’s trip. Maybe less drugs will help the problem, but we still need to try and make it an hour in before the cops are called this time.
5) Ever since our first trip to Splash Wasteland, and the alleged “beer waterfall” created near the Kiddie Area, the owners decided not to allow children in the park at the same time as our company. Logically, banning us would have been easier, but evidently Mr. Hayes won a different eggnog drinking contest to secure our continued visitation. All of that was to say that while we understand some of you have families who might wish to come on the trip as well, we have to hold firm on the policy of it being employees only, especially for those of you wanting to bring your kids. It’s not a company choice, it’s one made by the owners of Splash Wasteland.
6) Yes, Ryan has agreed to make a summer version of his famous Halloween “blue bowl” punch. Employees will be limited to one cup each before arrival, more can be had by accomplishing what Mr. Hayes deems as feats of strength, will, or intellect. See if you can find a way to carefully include the fact that all of these feats are the same test, a game of beer pong, without actually calling out that fact. Mr. Hayes demands we keep a sense of mystery to the trials.
7) The Annual Employee Pool Battle Royal will be held before lunch this year, as last year there were some issues with people vomiting after their stomachs were hit by frozen water balloons. Let’s also remember that after last year’s ruling, only liquid water counts for purposes of acceptable tools. Rita will be defending her championship, so per company rules she may not be attacked prior to the event beginning. Everyone else is fair game. Just a heads up, every year the employees fight on a suspended platform above a pool, using fists, water guns, balloons, etc, to try and knock one another off. The winner gets a corner office and big salary for a year. Join if you want, but know that we always take out the fresh meat first.
8) Lastly, everyone remember that the buses to come back will be meeting in the parking lot of the abandoned gas station a block away from Splash Wasteland. In the extremely likely event that the police are called and we’re forced to scatter, make sure to make your way there no later than 4 pm. At that point, we’ll be leaving and you’ll have to find your own way back. Also, as always, anyone who leads the cops to our location, intentionally or not, will have to report to Mr. Hayes on Monday for the Trials of Worthiness to determine if they keep their job. Word of advice Grant, never undertake the Trials of Worthiness. Not unless you’ve already got bull-fighting experience.
And that’s everything! I know we’re all excited for the big trip, so everyone remember to pack lots of sunscreen and I’ll see you at the pool.
-From the desk of Carol Dempsy, Thunder Pear Publishing HR Coordinator and Halloween Liaison.