Grant, welcome to the company and I hope your first week is going well. Below is the general staff announcement about the company Halloween party. There are a few bits in italics for you to punch up and add to. Make sure you do not send out this version, as it’s not yet complete.
Hey there everyone! I know we’re all excited about the upcoming Spooooky weekend, and of course tonight’s Thunder Pear Publishing Halloween Office Party! Grant, put in a gif of balloons here or something. I want to seem festive. Now as you all know it starts at 7 tonight so that everyone has time to go get costumes from their car or home and show back up. However, after the mountain of reports we at HR had to deal with last year, Mr. Hayes has given us permission to put out some guidelines for this year’s festivities. Don’t put Mr. Hayes’s signature or anything on this, we’re being a little loose with the word ‘permission’. Truth be told when we asked he just slurred out a few incomprehensible drunken words, but the tone sounded positive so we chose to take it as permission.
Now we don’t want to ruin everyone’s good time, so we’ll keep this limited to issues that have previously arisen, as well as rules that are in line with most office policies, along with the accepted standards of general human decency.
1. Please do not photocopy your genitalia. This applies equally to both genders, as there were plenty of pages of both sets on the floor last year, as well as a few of what we, and the police, suspect were animal… anuses. Jesus, I almost said buttholes. Grant, find a more professional word for anus and put that in. This is a serious one, as it counts as both indecent exposure and a health code violation. We all know Mr. Hayes demands the copiers be clean enough to eat off, and often does just that, so it’s really imperative we keep them unsullied by human, or non-human, genitals.
2. Please refrain from spiking all punch aside from the one being served out of a giant pumpkin. Mr. Hayes encourages freedom of mixology and provides the pumpkin punch as a canvas for you all to mix your various shines and liquors into, however he also respects the integrity of a classic cocktail and asks that you not alter the compositions in the other bowls. Variety is important, and if they all become “trash can cocktails” then people lose their drinking options.
3. While costumes are required and encouraged, please think of the comfort of your fellow workers when coming up with your outfits. The ten foot tall Optimus Prime that Sara built out of metal, complete with working lights and partial transformation, was objectively impressive. Go look for pictures of this when you have a break, Grant. I’m underselling it here because I have to, but the thing was for real fucking awesome. That said, Sara’s costume also led to a half dozen broken toes before the night was done, and one parking ticket when she drunkenly passed out on the sidewalk wearing it after the party. I’d say that’s hardly worth the $100 gift card she won for Best Costume.
4. Thunder Pear Publishing is a company committed to diversity and tolerance, and we certainly respect the religious beliefs of all our employees. We do ask, however, that any religious ceremonies requiring the ritual sacrifice of animals, or in the case of last year carving up a Honey-Bee-Ham covered in red paint because the pet stores were closed, take place off company property. True, we did short the catering order slightly, and other than a bit of paint the ham did make a welcome addition to the buffet, but let’s not take needless chances. I think we’ve all seen that 24-Hour live chicken store open down the block, and our janitors have said flat out that they refuse to clean up blood, bones, or feathers. Apparently Mr. Hayes was only able to negotiate that level of cleaning into their contracts once per year, and he saves it for the Arbor Day party.
5. Please remember that each employee is entitled only to a single +1 to the party. Last year saw a rampant abuse and disregard for that limit, and while having an entire marching band in our conference room was admittedly a spectacle that we spoke about for some time, the vast number of unexpected bodies are part of what caused the insufficiency of catering mentioned previously. One employee equals one guest, no exceptions. Except for the marching band, Mr. Hayes has personally invited them to return and catering has been notified. Grant, that reminds me, make sure all the break rooms are stocked with Tylenol. You don’t know a hangover until you pair it with the pain of eardrums that have been right next to a live horn section for several hours. Honestly, if we get any work done here before Thanksgiving it will be a miracle.
6. Mr. Hayes appreciates that many of you have grievances to level at him for the way this company has been run, both in the past year and during its tenure overall. And while he welcomes that feedback, we feel it’s pertinent to remind everyone that there is a time and place for such discussions. Specifically, it’s when he’s drunk enough that he dons a decorative pumpkin like a mask, tears off his shirt, and steps to the center of the room taking on all challengers. As always, should you best him, you are permitted a fifteen minute meeting the next week to speak on any topic you like. But, if you challenge him and fail, your pay will be slashed by 10% for the next six months. Quick tip here, don’t challenge Mr. Hayes when he wears the pumpkin. He’s not that strong or skilled, but by that point he’s so far gone into the drink that we’re pretty sure he can’t even feel pain. Someone stabbed him with a letter opener last year and he just gave them a suplex into a nearby desk, then brought the guy a drink from one of the punch bowls.
7. Feel free to use the free car service Mr. Hayes provides to get employees home safe. We here at Thunder Pear Publishing value the safety of our people highly. If, in the course of your ride home, you feel the need to vomit, spew, or otherwise release bodily fluids (Clean this part up for me. I want to cover the whole spectrum without going into everything that was done to these cars last year.) then the drivers would kindly request that you alert them, at which point they will gladly pull to a curb and permit you to do whatever is necessary outside their vehicle.
8. Despite what several people thought after drinking the punch from the blue bowl, none of you are fireproof, super strong, or have gained the ability of flight. We don’t know what Ryan made in there that gave people such delusions, but I assure you none of them are true. And yes, per general request, we’ve had Ryan triple the amount he’ll be bringing to this evening’s festivities.
9. Do not summon any ghosts or other spiritual entities you can’t control. After the drunken séance last year we got reports for months about an unnatural presence in Break Room 2. It got so bad Mr. Hayes had to send for a priest to cleanse the floor. Grant, while you’re stocking Tylenol, put out a bottle of whiskey in Break Room 2. We lied about the priest, no one affiliated with a church will touch this business, but we’ve found if we leave some mid-range booze out once a week the ghost is pretty cool. We think it might be a former employee, probably one who died during the Flag Day Emu Incident of 2011. Remember folks, ghosts are like pets: if you can’t control them don’t bring them around strangers.
10. Most important of all, please don’t forget to wear a costume. Mr. Hayes might be a half-drunken lunatic, but Halloween is one of the three things he takes seriously. If he catches anyone in normal clothes after 7, he’ll send you to the Hall of Lost Costumes where we store the outfits that have been found on the cleanup of previous Halloweens. Having looked in there recently, trust me that you do not want to wear anything that was left behind after one of these parties. The stains alone are enough to make one’s skin crawl.
Thanks so much for looking over this quick list of guidelines for tonight’s party, and remember, the one rule that stands above all others is this: Have fun!
That’s a lie; the rule that stands above all others is to never drink the punch in the pumpkin. Trust me kid, if you want to still be alive next week, let alone coherent enough to do your job, steer clear of that shit. Ignore the rest of us drinking it, we’ve built up a tolerance. Anyway, clean all this up and get it back to me by this afternoon, then I’ll send it out. Again, do not send this version.
From the desk of Carol Dempsy, Thunder Pear Publishing HR Coordinator and Halloween Liaison.