House Hunters: The Drinking Game for Grown-Ups
Fun fact: I almost used a title that referenced this as an “Adult Drinking Game” but I was almost positive people would click on it expecting porn, and I hate to bait-and-switch anyone.
Although, maybe I should have gone that route, because House Hunters is, in a way, porn for a lot of people of my generation. I don’t mean they slyly work people fucking into the background, though that would be hilarious, but rather it’s something so many of us watch because it’s something we can’t experience in that moment. Honestly, at this point the odds of a random threesome for a thirty-year-old are a lot better than the odds of being in a financial position to buy a house. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, I’m just saying it’s so rare that most of us can only watch strangers do it on television.
For anyone who doesn’t know, House Hunters is a show on HGTV about people searching for homes to buy. They get shown three options, then pick one and put in an offer. It’s a massive success, to the point where there have been half-a-dozen spin-offs, ranging from House Hunters International (pretty self-explanatory), to Tiny House Hunters (Hipsters buying trailers, that they don’t want to admit are trailers, for too much money), to, and I swear to god this is a real show, Island Hunters. Mother fuckers buy entire islands. Think about that next time your student loan bill comes, I know I do.
Anyway, in case you can’t tell by my encyclopedic knowledge of the show and it’s spin-offs, I really like watching House Hunters. Wait, sorry, I like drinking to House Hunters. It’s got like infinite episodes by this point, and they all follow the same formula, plus my friends and I have been drinking along for long enough to pick out the patterns.
So today, my internet pals, I am happy to present to you the House Hunters Drinking Game. Feel free to amend the rules below as needed, since you may want to drink more or less, but these are the ones we play by in Casa de Hayes.
House Hunters Drinking Rules
1. Anytime the buyers seem to be unaware, by ignorance or will, of the relationship between getting more and costs rising. To explain, there will be many times when someone wants a number of bedrooms, say four, and also to stay under budget. Their realtor will show them a house in their budget, and the buyer will bitch about it being a three bedroom, and then they’ll be shown a four bedroom five grand over budget and will throw a fit. Drink to these people. Drink for the poor realtor who suffers through them.
2. Anytime the words Charm, Character, or Modern are used. You, uh, you might want to use a big glass if you play this one. They come up more than you expect.
3. Anytime the buyer complains about something that warrants making a “jacking off” motion with your hand. This is like the eye-roll times ten, and it is reserved for the dumbest of complaints. For example, last night there was a woman who wanted a pebbled yard, but she felt like the pebbles used in the house she was being shone weren’t quite the right size as what she was picturing. Needless to say, jerk-off motions were made and drinks were had.
4. Anytime you see the realtor choking down their desire to kill the buyers. Pretty self-explanatory, and also one that requires a keen eye.
5. Anytime a variation of Good Size/Space is used. This includes “nice size” “great space” or any other mix-and-match variation you can think of. Be ready for this one when they walk into closets and bathrooms, as that’s when it seems to be bandied about the most.
6. Anytime you can see a relationship falling apart on camera. Buying a home isn’t easy, and doing it on camera in front of the nation doesn’t simplify the process. Thus it’s not surprising that sometimes you see signs indicating that perhaps all is not well, especially given that some of the folks buying these houses haven’t been together very long. Whether it’s a laugh that stretches too long to be believed, a lingering glance of anger, or an old fight being brought up yet again, there are times when the seams in the bond show, and on those occasions you take a deep drink.
7. Anytime the narrator throws shade. While normally completely professional, there are times the cheery-voiced woman who does the narration seems to really take aim at certain buyers. Whether it’s hammering home their unwillingness to compromise or mocking their fears (Jenny wants a newly built home, because she’s afraid of ghosts) on the occasions when she does indulge in a little sniping, you honor the narrator’s honesty with three, count ‘em, three drinks from your beverage.
8. Drink based on buyer… quirks. Look, some of these people are normal folks looking to just buy a place where they can live and perhaps raise a family. Then there are the ones that seem a touch off. Like the woman who insisted they have a minimum of five bathrooms, despite it being just her and her husband in the house. Or the man who gave off a very serial-killer vibe and kept all his furniture wrapped in plastic. You get the idea. This one is very much up to the people playing to spot, but when you find good ones it adds a personal touch to every episode that makes the boozing experience unique.
And with those eight rules, my friends, you can spend any day on the couch, watching people try to buy homes while you get progressively more hammered, which might account for why they’re moving on with their lives and you’re day-drinking. But hey, at least you won’t be underwater on some condo with a dated backsplash next time the housing market bursts, so tip back a drink and celebrate that as you watch.