As Enchanted on TV
The late-night glow of your television crackles, drawing your half-focused attention to the screen. You expect to see static, or your streaming company throwing shade by asking if you’re still watching the same show. Instead, your eyes meet a flickering screen, the picture coming in and out as your program contends with some sort of intruder. After a brief struggle, the screen settles. The intruder has won.
“Good evening out there in TV Land! I’m your host, Kort Blandle, here to offer all the trinkets and perks you need to make life… magical.”
Tall, dressed in blue robes and a matching pointy hat, the bright green eyes are far and away his most distinguishing trait. His hands wave in front of the camera, producing a small rainbow effect that hangs and sparkles. Looks decent, but nothing as good as you’d see in a movie.
“Yes, from baldness to badness, we’ve got a solution to cure whatever ails you. Say, for example, that you’re having a fancy dinner party, hosting an array of royalty and dignitaries, but oh no! You’ve spilled the gravy boat down your festive pantaloons, staining them terribly. Whatever shall you do?”
Kort moves around the cluttered set, kicking his way through some debris before arriving at a table filled with what appear to be bath-bombs, though not in any color someone would actually choose to soak with.
“Fear not, my embarrassed entertainer. With Kort’s Patented Pants Poofers, one throw will turn all the pants in the room into animated creatures that will then fight and flee to freedom. Amidst all that chaos, who is going to notice if one pair happens to have a bit of a stain? At worst, you can claim you threw the gravy at your trousers during the initial scuffle.”
Kort tosses the ball he picked up over his shoulder. There’s a large blast of smoke, followed by frantic yelling from off-screen.
“That’s why I said robes only at the taping, Scott!”
Looking down the camera, Kort smiles and quickly shuffles to a different section of the stage, this one showing what appear to be glowing office supplies.
“Let’s move on, shall we? From the home to work, where a little magic goes a long way in getting you to that next coffee break. Well, have no fear, as now your break time is once again your own with the Kort’s Casual Chrono Cheater. That’s right, pop out for five minutes or an hour, no one in your office will know.”
Rummaging around on the desk, Kort produces a small clock with a button on the top. Grinning, he taps it once, and suddenly Kort’s robes and hat are on backwards.
“One touch is all it takes to yank you out of our shared temporal flow into a isolated chrono-bubble where you can sit, relax, and have a leisurely time. Of course, since time is frozen, you won’t be able to interact with anything that wasn’t on your body at the time of button-pressing, and you do continue to age, so you may want to hang onto a magazine when you activate it. No internet to surf in the Place of Frozen Moments.”
Another push of the clock, and once more Kort’s clothing is facing its proper direction.
“But those two were about responsibilities, hosting parties and going to your job. Fear not, my faithful followers, for we also stock items useful in the pursuit of that elusive devil: fun.”
More moving, although he is not quite able to hide the pair of blue jeans sprinting through the background, followed closely by a pale man holding a clipboard, with his purple boxers exposed. Kort picks up the pace, moving to a section of the set that is built like a low-rent backyard.
“You all know me; I love to kick back and unwind. But isn’t it the worst when you’re all wrapped up cozy in one of Kort’s Handy Hugging Hammocks, only to realize you’ve finished your potion? What are you supposed to do, disengage the dozen binding spells, peel back the dozens of silk arms, go all the way to the kitchen and whip up a new one? Heck no, not anymore! You’ll barely need to lift a finger every again with Kort’s Immediately Invaluable Imps.”
From a poorly built attempt at a tiki bar, Kort lifts a lantern formed of dark metal, with a sinister red glow coming from the sealed opening.
“Yes, whether its making a new drink, changing out the cauldron, or clearing away invading sprites in the coke – which kind is up to your tastes – these imps will happily obey your every command.”
Kort opens the lantern, and three small fireballs fall out. As each strikes the ground, it forms into a small red creature roughly a foot tall. They are horned, with batlike wings and long tails. All three look up at him, waiting.
“My minions, what’s say we give the viewers a proper introduction to your skil-”
As Kort is talking, the imps spring, two going for his face while the third grabs the lantern. After a brief struggle, the item is theirs, being hauled into the air by two of the imps. Kort swats for it ineffectually. The third imp begins to open the lamp over and over, sending forth a spray of fireballs that turn into new imps.
“Oh nightshade and shadows, not again.” Kort looks back to camera, as if only now remembering he is still broadcasting. “Nothing to worry about viewers, just a demonstration of what can happen if one doesn’t take proper control of the imps – ow – and how to assert – ow – one’s dominance.”
Kort is being pelted with various trinkets by the newly released imps. One picks up a glass orb and hurls it, the item shattering at the host’s feet.
“Well folks, seeing as they’ve just unleashed one of Kort’s Dabtacular Dance Doses, that’s probably going to be our time for this week.” His legs are already moving, pounding out a complex dance with increasing speed and fervor. Behind him, the blue jeans can be seen hanging from a boom mic as the PA in purple boxers grabs for them ineffectually. Several of the imps have lit various items on fire, and appear to be testing what else will burn.
“Thanks for tuning in, we’ll see you tomorrow with more enchanted items to improve your daily life. I’ve been Kort Blandle, signing off until next time. And, as always, if you’re watching this through the eyes of a human you’re possessing, remember to wipe their memories once we’re done.”
Wait, what is that supposed to mea-