Scared Drunk Drinkalong Power Hour

Hey there folks! Time for another Drinkalong Power Hour, this one themed to the holiday season upon us now. Since Ruby is gone, I decided to try something different this time and do a remote Power Hour with some of the great guys from Authors & Dragons. If any of you aren’t familiar with Steve Wetherell or Rick Gualtieri then by all means check out their incredible work. Or just crack a beer and drink with us as we celebrate the spooky season.

Sidenote: In a few spots, my feed got slightly lagged behind the others. It’s not noticeable often, but in the few spots it is I wanted to acknowledge it lest you all think you’re going nuts.

 

Drew Tries Stuff: Weird Halloween Candy

                That’s right, it’s time for another harrowing blog entry where I put my taste buds, comfort, and often general safety into danger, all so that none of you will have to suffer a similar experience. Except when the items reviewed are good, I mean, but really how often does that even happen? Anyway, since it is still the glorious month of October (Hail the Great Pumpkin) and I’m keeping things Halloween themed, what better target for a Drew Tries Stuff than some of the weird, unnatural, or just plain absurd Halloween Candy you pass by every year. No longer will these flashes in the pan be forgotten, resigned only to the carts of shoppers whose passion (or eyesight) has faded. Today, they get a moment in the spotlight to shine brightly or melt from the heat. Hint: it’s mostly the second one.

 

Boo Bands

                No, this isn’t a boy band made of ghosts… but someone remind me to pitch that to Disney when I’m done with this blog. Rather, it’s a weird callback to those Live Strong bracelets that were all the rage a few years ago, until they had a color for every cause, becoming ubiquitous and then ridiculous in a short span of time. It is Halloween though, so I guess it’s unfair to give a company shit for going grave-digging. Not content to merely revitalize these fashion accessories, this version of the bands is, wait for it, edible! Yeah, I guess that was kind of a given from the start, huh?

                There are four flavors of Boo Band, but I only made it through 3 because nobody wants orange and also watermelon stopped me dead in my tracks. Sorry, getting ahead of myself. Before we look at the Boo Bands as food, we must first see how they fair as a bracelet. Ready…………. the answer is Badly! I’m not big on actually donning wearable food to start with, I ate my Ring Pops and Candy Necklaces away from my flesh, but at least those could be functionally worn if one so desired. Boo Bands come out of the package sticky, and stinky, with a texture like someone already licked every inch of it. Greasy was the word that sprang to mind. So, not a great bracelet, but maybe they redeem themselves with a delicious… fuck it, let’s not draw this out, they were horrid. The best of them, sour apple, had virtually no taste, while watermelon was like biting down on a hunk of spoiled chemicals. From start to finish, it was an abysmal experience.

Rating: 1 out of 5 necromancers ruining another damn first date by accidentally re-animating the steak, again.

 

Twizzlers Carmel Apple Filled Twists

                No weird fashion options here, just a good ole-fashioned Twizzler. Only, what’s this, someone seems to have stuffed it full of a knock-off version of caramel? Well, surely the fine people at Twizzler know what they’re doing, right? …right?

                There’s only one place I can start with this one, and it’s the smell. As soon as I cracked open the bag, I felt like my senses had been assaulted by plastic, sadness, and someone getting fired over the creation of this product. I had friends with me trying all of these, and after I passed the bag around for a sniff test the overall reaction was to ask if we had backup options. It’s fucking pungent, y’all. Still, I am a dedicated professional, in as much as doing this job can be called professional, so I marched on, opening one of the individual packs and taking a bite.

                Looking back, I wonder if perhaps the smell was some sort of brilliant, avant-garde type of marketing. These Twizzlers were not good; let me be very clear about that. However, after being assaulted by the stink of the bag, I found myself relieved by the taste that entered my mouth. Subpar as they were, compared to the bag-stench they were positively tolerable. “Not as bad as I expected” isn’t really the review any creator dreams of, but it’s hard to deny there is a somewhat positive spin on it. Maybe the stink was done to purposely lower expectations, maybe it’s a happy coincidence, all I know is that while I didn’t continue with any more bites, I wasn’t furious about the one I took.

Rating: 2 out of 5 evil skeletons freezing and then moving among the Halloween decorations on people’s lawns just to fuck with passersby.

 

Bloody Fang Bites

                Another shot at wearable candy, at least this one has the sense to keep things in the mouth, where stickiness is an expected part of the equation. Plus, they kept their toy and candy separate. Bloody Fang Bites are a set of cheap plastic fangs paired with a pack of red “blood” that you pour into the fangs, then set them in your mouth and slowly drain the blood, creating a vampiric looking effect while also delivering that necessary hit of sugar. Dumb? Yes. Guaranteed to stain the shit out of an angry parent’s carpet? Oh without question, but they aren’t your kids or carpet, so we’ll leave that for someone else’s review.

                In terms of how well the fangs work as a blood delivery system, there’s a lot to be desired. It’s probably worth noting that these fangs are definitely sized for kids though, they’re smaller than the normal ones I see at Halloween stores every year, so perhaps my gaping adult maw just couldn’t properly deal with fangs intended for smaller mouths. Or, more likely, it’s just a shitty idea, but I do feel compelled to at least give the company doubt, if not the benefit of it. As for the blood itself… actually, it wasn’t that bad. Another supposed watermelon flavor, it mainly tasted just of sweetness, which isn’t a high bar but finally washed out the taste from the Boo Bands, so I was feeling forgiving. Calling it good would be a stretch, however the taste is neutral enough to fade into the background of better candy, and the packs of fangs/blood don’t actually come with instructions to pour the blood into the fangs; those directions are only on the main pack. Kids are probably going to think it’s weird that they got fake fangs and candy blood, but I doubt they’ll be so enraged as to find it worthy of revenge.

Rating: 4 out of 5 witches spiking the neighborhood punch with magical hallucinogen potions, because sometimes they miss the good ole Halloween festivals of yore.

Thunder Pear Publishing Haunted House Memo

                Okay Grant, third time is the charm. I know you managed to save your job after sending the unedited memo (again) by winning the quarterly keg-relay and gaining a wish from Mr. Hayes, but you have got to get it together. Proof the memo, make the changes, and then send it to me. Just me, no one else. Who am I kidding, we both know this fucker is going to end up going wide, you incompetent little shit. Why do I stay here and put up with you insane people? Well, aside from the salary, benefits, generous vacation time, and permission to drink on the job. Speaking of… whoo! That is bad whiskey. Anyway, see if you can surprise us all and get it right this time.

                Happy October everyone! I know this is a big time for us, we’ve all seen the crews setting up Halloween decorations in the office, and Mr. Hayes sneaking around, repositioning the skeletons to seem as though they are mid-coitus, so that can only mean that Halloween is on the horizon. While we will, of course, be having our annual Halloween party, despite the adamant protests of the city and its police force, today we need to discuss the more immediate Halloween project Mr. Hayes has committed us to. Thunder Pear Publishing will be creating a haunted house attraction to run on weekends through October, staffed by employees who want time-and-a-half as well as access to an open bar and substances I am not legally allowed to describe, but Mr. Hayes calls “tricky treats”. See if you can rephrase some of this, Grant. It’s obvious what we’re talking about, but that doesn’t quite convey how… unique some of the stock is. I didn’t even know hawks had glands that could secret a hallucinogen, let alone that it could be turned into ice cubes for cocktails.

                Given those conditions, it’s no surprise that the sign-up sheet has already been largely filled. However, we are obligated to remind you that this is still a work event, which means there are certain protocols and procedures that must be followed. Below is a list of the basics, expect more direction to come once you arrive for your chosen shift. We are giving you this part early to familiarize yourself with these core rules. And because no one shows up to these things sober or in the mood to listen. We once tried to hold a meeting at the start of an event, and let me tell you, I’ve never seen these people destroy a conference room faster. Not even the time our vodka delivery came late to the Easter party.

                1) While the Thunder Pear Publishing dress code is traditionally lax, especially where freedom of expression regarding costumes is concerned, please remember that this is an event open to the public, and as such we are legally required to adhere to all public decency laws. Charlie’s Snake Charmer costume is an example of one that, while demonstrating a tremendous amount of skill and bodily control, would not be appropriate for this event. Save the daring stuff for the Halloween party!

                2) Candy will be kept in plastic blue pails spread throughout the haunted house to be given or thrown at guests as they make their way through the building. Please do not pelt, or otherwise try to injure our guests, regardless of how “in character” it feels within the moment. Litigation from our spring juggling musical is still pending, and Mr. Hayes has a very firm policy of only dealing with one court case at a time.

                3) “Candy” will be in orange pumpkin buckets and spread throughout the haunted house. Please do not mix this up with the items in the blue pails, as these are being provided strictly for the employees. Giving them out to the public would not only be incredibly illegal, but vastly expensive. Grant, tighten this a little to make sure it’s not giving away what the “candy” is in case the memo ends up in another pile of evidence. Also, I saw you’re signed up to work the haunted house, so a word of warning: don’t touch the pumpkin bucket candy until you’re almost done with your shift, and only if you have a ride home. Sara tried one yesterday and spent the rest of the afternoon yelling at a lamppost for being a shitty father.

                4) The Thunder Pear Publishing Law of Challenge will be suspended during the haunted house. We cannot have our employees leaving their stations to settle every grievance that arises when guests are coming through. Grant, since you’ve been in and out over the year, you may not know this part. All Thunder Pear Publishing employees have the right to settle disagreements by invoking the Rite of Challenge, whereby they spin the sacred wheel to determine a game of battle, with the winner getting their way. As you can imagine, everything on the wheel is at least a drinking game. Mr. Hayes has agreed to provide extra time on Monday mornings for all accumulated challenges to be sorted at the top of the workweek. Popcorn will be provided for spectators.

                5) Although Mr. Hayes appreciates the level of dedication many of you are putting into your respective rooms, we would like to remind you that this is meant to scare guests only on a superficial level. Vampires, monsters, mummies, and the like are all perfectly acceptable themes to build a room around. Existential dread, the knowledge that the universe is a vast uncaring expanse of constant death, and the fact that virtually no one realizes their dreams or finds fulfillment are concepts better left for guests to discover on their own through life. Those are the kind of terrors that don’t go away, and if our guests stay scared then they won’t need to come back next year.   

                6) The goal of a haunted house is not, despite what some circulating emails have claimed, to make as many guests as possible soil themselves. It is especially not a goal that should be attempted through the use of laxative mist, sonic brown notes, or hexes, as many of you have planned. We are there to scare our guests only; the state of their bowel upon exit should be none of our concern. The rumors that Mr. Hayes has a reward planned for whoever makes the most people poop their pants are patently false and unfounded; we are certainly not saying that just to give HR some kind of edge in the competition. Grant, see if you can make this a little less… obvious, I suppose?

                7) We are aware that some of our employees believe this Halloween season will bring the emergence of Horgorilth, the hungry beast who hides behind the moon. While Thunder Pear Publishing respects the rights and beliefs of its employees, we do ask that any ceremonial nude blood bathing be done in your own homes, or at least with the use of proper plastic lining to prevent office staining. We would greatly like to avoid a repeat of the supposed rising of Thristicort on Saint Patrick’s Day. Break Room 2 still has the lingering odor, and the ghost is so displeased we’ve had to move up to three bottles of booze per week to appease it.

                8) Lastly, all employees wishing to utilize pyrotechnics in their respective rooms must gain clearance to do so. Mr. Hayes has hired outside specialists to make sure that every use of fire is “rad as fucking shit” before showing it to the public. When pressed, he added, “oh yeah, some bullshit about safety too” which is as close as we are going to get to a call for safety from him. Requests for pyrotechnic approval can be made by contacting HR, or going to the roof and playing metal music until someone arrives, just as we do for conference calls.

                More information still to come, but let’s all work together to make an amazing haunted house for everyone involved! And the guests too, I guess. Grant, maybe chop that last line. Eh, who am I kidding, I doubt you even read this shit. Whatever. Time to get more terrible whiskey. Those Horgorilth people are making some good points, so maybe it’s better to party while we can.

 -From the desk of Carol Dempsy, Thunder Pear Publishing HR Coordinator and Halloween Liaison.

The Importance of Conditioning

                This isn’t a term that gets bandied about as much as some of the others out there, so I think it’s worth starting this blog off with a definition of what I’m talking about when I say “conditioning”. To condition an audience is simply to build some manner of expectation of what they should expect from you. There are a lot of types of conditioning out there, but genre is the one people deal with most often. For example, even if you know nothing else about a novel, if I told you Stephen King wrote it then you would be reasonably sure that it was horror-themed. Why? Because that’s what he has written almost exclusively through his career, so he’s conditioned us to expect that from him. Same with Christopher Moore and comedy, or Dr. Seuss and kids’ books. Remember when people were shocked that JK Rowling wrote a crime novel? There’s really no reason that should be shocking, she’s an accomplished author, except that we’ve all been conditioned to only expect YA wizard novels from her.

                In many ways, conditioning is a lot like branding, except that it can apply to a greater spectrum of possibilities. Conditioning itself is actually a good thing overall, it’s the process by which you create audience expectations. However, it is also important to be aware of exactly what you’re conditioning them to expect, because that will have long-term impacts for years to come. As usual in these, I’ll use myself as an example, simply because I can point out my own mistakes and lessons easily. I made them, after all. So what do I mean by being aware of what conditioning you are doing?

                Let’s take a look at the Spells, Swords, & Stealth series as an example. The first book, NPCs, came out in spring of 2014. It did better than I expected, so I was a little slower in getting a sequel out, meaning Split the Party didn’t arrive until fall of 2015. After that, I had Going Rogue release in fall, again, for 2016. Now at this point, the books were really beginning to swell in size. Going Rogue was almost double the size of NPCs, and they were getting so big that I no longer felt I could commit to writing one every year while still keeping up with my other releases. Since I knew SP: Year 4 was going to eat a lot of 2017, I made the choice to not try and tackle another one this year. And for the past few months, I have gotten more tweets, emails, and in-person questions about the next SS&S book than anything else. Even after making public announcements several times, people keep reaching out, asking where the book is.

                And you know what? That’s largely on me. Look at the release schedule again. Every year for three years, I put out a book in that series, with the last two coming out in the same season, maybe even the same month if I remember right. I’m the one who conditioned people to believe that was a series I could produce every year, and while it was true when they were smaller, I probably should have planned for them to grow past it after the wordcount jump of Split the Party. If I’d been a little more aware, thinking ahead of what was to come; I at least could have broken up the release schedule a bit, made it less predictable so people wouldn’t think of them as an annual entry. It’s no wonder people are surprised there’s no SS&S book this year, I’m the one who conditioned them to expect those entries regularly.

                It’s the same with a lot of aspects of the business. I frequently see authors who write one genre/series for a long time, then try to break into something new only to hit pushback from an audience who are conditioned to expect only one flavor from them. Although I certainly didn’t plan it at the time, I was lucky that I launched multiple series in multiple genres early on, because that conditioned my audience to expect variety, meaning I don’t hit the same walls when I branch off into new, sometimes weirder, stuff.

                So what does all this talk mean, on a practical level? Well, it means that you’ll be doing yourself a big favor if you take some time to sit down and look at where you want your career to be in a few years. Not the amount of sales/success, we’re all crossing our fingers for golden helicopters and yachts big enough to house smaller yachts. Think more in terms of what you want to be doing. Are you hoping to write multiple series, or commit hard to one all the way through? Are you trying to release several books a year? What genre(s)? How long are they? How frequently do they come out? Really drill down on the kind of schedule and year you think you’ll want to have. Once that’s done, take a step back and compare that plan to where you are now and ask yourself this question: is that the sort of output you’re conditioning your audience to expect?

                If it is, great! Carry on, you fictional bastard. For the rest of us who have to learn and flop about as we go, there are usually changes to make on what we’re doing now to make people happy with what we expect to do down the line. Planning multiple genres? Maybe pop out a few standalones or short stories, making it clear that you have ideas for more than your current medium. Whatever schedule you’ve got planned for the future, how close to it are you now? The sooner you can get on/near it; the sooner readers will know to start looking for new releases around those times of the year. If you’re launching a new series, how often will you put out entries? Even if you’re already ahead on the sequel, it might be a good idea to give the original breathing room so you don’t make people think you’ll be able to churn out every sequel that quickly.

                At its core, conditioning should be the process by which you set expectations for the readers. Things they can rely on you to provide, be it entries in a specific genre or timetables when new content will arrive. Being aware of that and laying the groundwork for it means getting to come through on those expectations, giving the readers what you’ve shown them you’ll deliver and creating a sense of consistency.

The Leaked Drew Hayes Appearance Rider

                Well, it happened, and it looks like there’s no going back from it now. Someone leaked my rider, the document all “celebrities” have for setting up their accommodations before they arrive at a venue. Now some have said that mine is, perhaps, a tad ambitious for a mid-list author who does most of his catalogue through indie publishing. And to those people I say “Sure, but since when is being ambitious a bad thing?” Got to set up those expectations early on, so that when I go full on Howard Hughes nuts toward the end no one can look back and say it was a surprise. To that effect, and to save you the trouble of googling about, I’ll go ahead and just paste the rider here, for all to see. Full transparency and all that.

The Official Drew Hayes (President of Thunder Pear Publishing, 2-Time Shot Champion, Silver-Tier Chipotle Rewards Member) Rider for Personal Appearances.

 

                1) Drew Hayes must be greeted upon arrival by a full band. What they play is up to them, but it must be well-rehearsed and pleasing to the ear. Please note that Mr. Hayes defines a full band to have at least 1: guitar, trumpet, saxophone, drum, bass, xylophone, bagpipe, and triangle. No one else is required to listen to the sound they create, as our lawyers have told us that might technically be classified as torture.

                2) Drew Hayes expects a fully-chilled keg in his green room, with plastic cups of at least Solo quality. Color is irrelevant, only durability. The keg beer must be: beer and cold. That is the only direction Mr. Hayes is willing to give, so please do not ask him for more. Efforts to make him choose result in him breaking down in tears, saying it is like picking a favorite child.

                3) The greenroom will also need the following furniture: 1 table large enough for beer pong or flip-cup. 1 couch soft enough to pass out on. 3 chairs of any quality. 1 television with access to Netflix. 1 over-sized bucket that no one would mind seeing puke in, as the drinking games often lead some to vomit. At the discretion of the venue, they are permitted to put plastic down on the floors and carpet to make clean-up easier. Mr. Hayes has thrown a house-party, he recognizes the struggle.

                4) Any member of the staff that looks Drew Hayes in the eye will be expected to take a drink. This is less of a condition, more of a general warning. When the party is going, he will begin to expand it outward, much like the growth of a natural disaster. Please keep any employees uncomfortable with such recreational activities out of Mr. Hayes’s line of sight for their own good. Or have them say they are designated driving upon catching Mr. Hayes’s eye. He respects those who take on such a mantle, and will immediately cease any and all attempts to make them drink. They may, however, still be in danger of getting dragged onto stage. Which brings us to:

                5) A karaoke machine must be available and hooked up to the television. There is a high chance this won’t get used, but every now and then when the crowd feels it, songs of drunken revelry begin to get belted out, and Mr. Hayes likes to offer a platform for such celebrations. Luckily, he recognizes that he is tone deaf and will not insist on joining the activity. Unluckily, that restraint vanishes around drink #8, so perhaps pick something cheap and spill beer on it before reaching such a point. It’s your venue and your machine, so you make the call, but ear drums are harder to replace.

                6) With all the drinking and games, food will be a must for Drew Hayes and his growing katamari of intoxicated revelers. To that end, there must be access to burritos, sandwiches, sushi, and pizza. Basically, anything that would taste good drunk and help soak up the alcohol is going to go over great. Don’t be afraid to include some regional favorites, by the time they get around to eating it’s unlikely they’ll even taste most of it, so there’s a lot of leeway here.

                7) A golden chair will need to wait outside the green room, a throne that Drew Hayes can be lifted upon and carried to his next destination. Probably it will just go to the bathroom, though, what with all the fluids he’ll be taking in. And he generally only uses it for the first few trips, after that he realizes it takes too long. Do yourself a favor, stick him in a greenroom right near the urinals and make it an easy trip on the people who have to do the carrying.  

                8) While it is a given that some celebrities will want to come party with Mr. Hayes, they will need to be vetted on a case by case basis. The exceptions to that are listed below, as these celebrities are to be permitted instant access to any and all backstage shenanigans:

Neil Patrick Harris
The Rock
John Cena (or anyone with a comparable Make-A-Wish record)
Kristin Chenoweth
Lee Pace
Let’s just save time here and say anyone from a Bryan Fuller show
Kristin Bell
Jeremy Fucking Irons
Andrew W.K.
Dame Helen Mirren
Anyone with beer

                9) Fans who wish to go backstage (who do not already satisfy the “bringing beer” requirement) will be permitted only if they prove capable of answering thee these riddles three. Mr. Hayes does not actually have riddles in mind; he will let you freely choose/create your own. The sole condition is that he himself must not be able to solve 2/3 of them, as if he can do it then he deems them too easy. Given Mr. Hayes’ penchant for pre-gaming while being driven to a venue, there is little risk of him actually being capable of solving them. Occasionally they forget to stock the cars with backseat champagne, however, so have a few extra riddles on hand just in case.

                10) Finally, Mr. Hayes will need a dedicated escape route as once whatever show he is part of is over, he will anticipate a huge crush of fans screaming and pelting him with tabletop miniatures. This has never actually happened, not even close, yet he continues to anticipate it so accommodations must be made.

Much Ado About Blades & Barriers

                I debated a few times whether or not to write this blog. More than once, I leaned toward just putting up an announcement. But I try really hard to do as much transparency as possible on this site, for the folks who want to know what goes into writing as well as the people who just care about the stories. So in the end, I felt like this was a good chance to shine a light on one of the harder calls to make behind the scenes, as well as get a sense for what my audience as a whole wants.

                With that pre-amble done, let’s jump to the heart of the matter: Blades & Barriers. It’s been a fun story overall, and it’s given me a chance to flesh out some world-building aspects I hadn’t gotten to play with before, but, to be frank, it needs work. While I eventually found my footing on the general direction I wanted the story to go, getting there was hit and miss, and it saddled the tale with aspects that detract from, rather than enhance, the overall story.

                Now there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. I’ve written before about how not every story works the first time through. That you have to be willing to go back, start over, and change your own ideas if they aren’t clicking. It took me three tries to get Forging Hephaestus right, and both of the first iterations were over 50k when I pulled the plug. Recognizing that a story needs changes is a big part of being a writer and allocating your time. If this were any other book I was working on, it wouldn’t even be a blip in the radar. The issue is that this one is a web-serial, which means people are in the act of reading it, so it’s not as easy to just pull everything down and start over.

                Still, Blades & Barriers needs reworking. It has a few more chapters left in the buffer, and then it will probably go on hiatus so I can start looking at how to rebuild. It almost certainly couldn’t be back before Year 4 is done, and as you all know the serial aspect of this site is coming to an end soon. But I promised you the end of B&B, so it feels wrong to tear the first version down and then charge for the re-worked effort later down the line. The best ideas I’ve had for how to remedy that are:

1) List the new version on Kindle Unlimited. This makes things easy for everyone who uses Amazon, but it also pre-supposes that you use Kindle e-readers and have a KU subscription.

2) Make the ebook free on my site, while keeping it at normal prices on Amazon. This would be a way to get a free version available to every kind of e-reader, but also introduces a few more steps that some folks find bothersome.

                I’m sure some of you are wondering why not just do both? Unfortunately, Amazon doesn’t let books in KU be given away elsewhere, so these methods are mutually exclusive. Granted, we’re talking about a book I’ll have to rewrite from the ground up, so policies might change by the time B&B is actually ready for release, but I highly doubt that will be the case. Amazon has made no bones about wanting to be sole market for ebooks, and KU exclusivity is a big part of that.

                That said, I’m very open to other options/ideas if y’all have them. The internet is big and wide, so I’d love to learn about other methods of book distribution if they make things simpler for everyone. Leave them in the comments, or let me know which free book method of the two I listed you think would be easier. I’ll try to weight the decision toward whatever works best for the greater part of the audience.

                Now then, let me give some info to pre-emptively answer questions you might have:

1) All money remaining in the B&B fund will be put into the SP fund once the hiatus starts. I don’t want people to feel like their donations went nowhere, but obviously I also couldn’t keep a donation section open for a property that isn’t posting.

2) SP will not be taking over the Tuesday slot. I know some folks have their hopes up after Year 3’s schedule was temporarily increased, but this time I have a less confined schedule, so unless something drastic changes there’s no need to race the clock and get everything posted.

3) The old B&B will stay up temporarily, for those who want to catch up even knowing that the rework is coming. Most likely it will come down in October, when other site work is already scheduled to take place.

4) As far as canon goes, the same rule applies here as to the rest of the web-serials: Nothing is set until it is published. There will be some changes to the core of B&B, but luckily I kept it far from the SP story-line, so it should have no real impact on Year 4’s story.

5) I have no estimation for when the new B&B story will be available. Since I’m starting over, it could go in a lot of different directions, and there’s no guarantee it won’t need more work even in the second incarnation. I’ll keep you all in the loop whenever I have something solid to announce, but realize that this book is getting taken back to square one, so there’s a long journey ahead.

                Hopefully that gives you all a good understanding on what’s to come, and where my mind is at in making this decision. If there’s an obvious solution to getting everyone from the site free copies, by all means let me know. My main goal here is to do right by everyone, to provide a worthwhile story for you all to enjoy. Even if it is going to take a taaaaaad bit longer than originally expected, I’m still going to see it through. It’s the least I owe you all after so many years of support.

Protecting Yourself and Your Work

                A few weeks back I got an email from a company requesting me to review a book. The thing is, I didn’t have any connection with this company, or the author in question, and the email was… let’s say aggressive. And a bit optimistic about the book they were pitching, since once I looked it up it had none of the honors or buzz they were claiming. So I decided to check out the company and do a little more research on them, mostly with the intent of emailing the author and letting him know his promotional company was doing a terrible job. I realize that to some of you that might seem like I was trying to make trouble for the guy, but the truth is as an author that’s valuable feedback. You don’t often get to experience the marketing campaign a PR company might launch, so knowing that they’re turning people off is pretty important to be aware of. Yet, when I dug in, I found out the whole company was owned by the people publishing the book, known scam publishers Strategic Book Publishing & Rights Agency. There are tons of reasons to avoid them (here’s a good article on those: http://www.sfwa.org/other-resources/for-authors/writer-beware/alerts/#SBPRA) but I don’t want to talk about that company more today. The truth is, they’re a drop in the bucket compared to all the people out there looking to fleece writers. And on this blog, we’re going to talk about things to watch out for, and ways to keep yourself safe.

 

1. Beware Monetized Serial Sites

                I won’t spend too long on this, as I know it only applies to a very specific section of my audience, but it needs to be addressed. As web-serials have grown as a community, there have been a lot of sites offering free space to those who want to post a serial. Royal Road and Wattpad are two of the more popular ones that spring to mind. And honestly, good on them. They make their money from ads on the stories, which is a fair trade for content hosting services. The problem is, there are new versions that keep springing up every few months, ones with a very different financing model.

                At least once a quarter the Web Fiction Guide forums will get a post from someone launching a serial service with a “brand new idea”: making people pay to read the serials. This would be really long to get into, but the short version is that they want to put the content behind paywalls and split the proceeds with the authors, although “split” is a generous term in some instances. Most of us in the business have seen this exact concept flame out enough times to steer clear, so it’s not that big of an issue. The larger problem is that I also see sites who monetize by making a knock-off version of Patreon/Paypal and then taking a piece of the income. Never list with someone who does this. There is nothing wrong with monetizing content, it’s what a lot of the internet is built on, but those people are monetizing you, the author, meaning they make money off of your income directly, and there is no reason to put up with that shit. Not when there are loads of free, dependable places to put a serial. I’m sure they’ll tell you lies about their great features and amazing site tools, but these places are scams, pure and simple. And lying is what scammers do by nature.

 

2.  Research Everyone You Work With

                On to a more universal tip now: research. We all dream of getting a call from someone higher up the publishing food chain. Maybe for you it’s a publisher of any kind, or a Big 5 publisher, or a movie agent, or so on. And when we get interest from those sources, it can be very tempting to jump in with both feet forward. The thing is, all agents/publishers/whatever are not created equally. Some will treat you and your work well; others are looking to turn it for a few quick bucks. Research is the best tool available to you. Look up everything about the company. Check their Better Business Bureau rating. Check for any reports, any issues people have with them. And then, if they clear that without raising red flags, take it a step further: talk to people who use them.

                I will occasionally get emails from authors looking to work with REUTS or Tantor, since I’m publicly engaged with both companies. Now I have nothing but nice things to say about both, but I don’t mind telling them that. And if the situation was different, meaning I had a lot of bad shit to make known, you’d better believe I wouldn’t mind letting people hear about it. I know the idea of writing to someone you don’t know to ask about a company seems daunting, and I get that, but we have all been there. At some point, we were in your shoes, wondering if this was a good move, and I imagine only the shittiest among us would be bothered by answering the same questions we asked someone else. Because we really are the best source. All the internet searching in the world isn’t as good as hearing about people’s actual experience with a company.

                By the way, this goes for everyone you deal with. Editors you want to use, cover designers you’re going to hire, a hosting platform for your podcasts. Research all of them, because there are plenty of terrible ones out there who bank on you not looking too closely. Is it a pain at times? Sure. Is it better than ending up in a bad business partnership with real financial consequences? You’re damn right it is.

 

3) Understand Your Contracts

                Look, I know, we all became writers because we didn’t want to mess around with boring stuff like legal documents. But this part is vital in some aspect of every business, and we are not immune. Contracts define the very ownership and rights of the properties we create, so you’d damn well better be sure you know what you’re signing. I’m pretty sure we all know how royalties and advances work, but there are other things to note as well. Things like:

                How Long the Publisher Has: Remember, a publisher doesn’t own your book for now and forever. Or at least, they shouldn’t. A contract should come with a timeframe the publisher has to work in to get the book fully published. If the publisher fails to hit that timeframe, then the rights should go back to you, or there should be a fiscal penalty. Basically, the goal here is to make sure that they actually use those rights, rather than sitting on them because the market shifted or some element of their schedule changed.

                Reversion Rights: These are the conditions under which rights to your books return to you. Now as we just covered, the publisher not doing their job in time is usually one of these, but there need to be more than just that. Bankruptcy or closing of the company should both be listed in there right up front. I don’t care how old or established the publisher is, books are a risky game right now, and some trusted presses have gone down in the past few years, leaving their authors in murky waters as to what happened to their rights. Sometimes a publisher will return all rights during their bankruptcy filings, but if they don’t then you need it in your contract so you aren’t stuck waiting for the now-dead-publisher’s window to run out.

                Price Setting: Remember that your royalty comes off of the money earned from the sale, so when a publisher has full control over the price you’re at their mercy. If they decide it’s not doing well and drop the cost substantially, below what you would charge, then it will impact your bottom-line directly. Now a lot of publishers aren’t going to give up this control, and they have good reason for that, but you can at least establish some minimums and maximums to keep the book in a range that’s fair to both creators and consumers.

 

                It feels like there are endless more things to be aware of I’m skipping over, but that’s enough for a blog this time. Maybe I’ll do a sequel down the line. For only $99 at that, really quite a steal when you think about it. Be sure to add the “consumer awareness” medal to hang around your neck as well, only an additional $300 to let people know you’re nobody’s sucker.

Let's Fuckin Talk About The New Ducktales

                That’s right, you read the title correctly, after having to take a critical eye to The Defenders last week, today is all about one of the few reboots I’ve seen to make me this excited for a show: Ducktales (implied woohoo).  If you haven’t watched the premiere yet, you can do so for free right now. On Youtube, at that, not on some obscure app you have to sign up for. Disney is betting hard on this show, they’re so sure you’ll come back for more that they’re giving the first one away for free. And after seeing the premiere… yeah, I get it. This thing is fucking good. Not just in the polished nostalgia way either, it’s a show that can legitimately stand on its own. But that doesn’t mean they don’t throw in a lot of Easter Eggs and nods at all the Ducktales history.

                I will freely admit that Ducktales came along right when I was in the target demographic, and holy shit did I love it. Truth be told, I actually preferred Darkwing Duck more, but since I ended up being a superhero author some of that may have been genre bias. Still, the old Ducktales show was a lot of fun. Big stories, fun characters, loads of adventure. There were, however, weak spots. We didn’t really recognize them as much at the time, but as years have gone on and the overall quality/complexity of cartoons has increased (cough Gravity Falls cough) some parts of Classic Ducktales don’t look quite as rosy in hindsight. And Reboot Ducktales has tweaked pretty much all of those elements.

                The first, biggest change that shines through is the triplets: Huey, Dewey, and Louie. In Classic Ducktales, they were essentially the same character with different colored shirts. There would be occasional minor differences, but for all intents and purposes, they were one character. Even storylines focused on their group as a whole, there are no episodes where Huey gets hooked on blow and pawns GizmoDuck’s shit for a fix. In Reboot Ducktales, they are clearly defined from the start as three individuals. The fact that they now have distinct voice actors (Dani Pudi, Ben Schwartz, and Bobby Moynihan) helps sell their unique personalities. Huey is more tightly wound, Louie is a slacker, and Dewey is… actually kind of a toned-down John Ralphio from Parks & Rec, which doesn’t seem like it should work but oddly does. Anyway, not only are the triplets unique, with their own interactions and voices, they’re also being treated as individuals. The premiere has a plot thread about Dewey learning to think more than 2 seconds ahead and not act on impulse. Not groundbreaking, I’ll grant you, but the mere fact that they were willing to give one triplet an arc opens up tons of new story-telling avenues for the Reboot to explore.

                The next change Reboot Ducktales made: Webby. Her previous incarnation has aged… poorly, in most people’s esteem. She rarely got fun lines or played a big role in plots (outside of getting kidnapped) and was sort of treated like a tag-along. Reboot Webby is wildly different. I do have to pause for a minute and acknowledge that, as a lot of folks have pointed out, she does share similarities to Mabel from Gravity Falls. Grappling hooks, boundless enthusiasm, that sort of thing. That said, she also has her own characteristics as well: social anxiety, proclivity toward violence, fanatical obsession with the McDuck family. In the end, I think she stands on her own, but the comparisons to Gravity Falls are unavoidable, especially since some of the GF staff came to work on the new Ducktales. However, even if she was just a full-on duck version of Mabel it would still be a step-up from Classic Webby, and this incarnation is a lot of fun. She’s a character who’s been trained to deal with anything, but never actually been allowed out of the mansion. Knowledge without experience is a fun dynamic to play with, and they’ve already shown it’s a rich area for humor with just a few scenes.

                Now on to what is arguably the biggest change of Reboot Ducktales: Donald Duck. The other changes were tweaks to existing dynamics in the show, but this is the insertion of a whole new character. New to the series, anyway, fans of the comics know that historically Donald plays a major part in the Ducktales world. Reboot Ducktales clearly wanted to go that route, as Donald isn’t shipping off to the navy this time; he’s staying with Scrooge and the triplets to go on adventures. Donald didn’t get a ton of screen time in the premiere, but what he had was solid. Really though, the most fascinating part of Donald being there is his relationship to Scrooge. In Classic Ducktales, Scrooge never really had anyone around to challenge him. I mean, villains, sure, but I’m talking on a personal level. Everyone was either a child or an employee, so Scrooge pretty much ran shit. Donald is different. Scrooge can’t fire him, he isn’t a kid, and most importantly: Donald knows Scrooge. He knows him very well, and is perfectly comfortable calling him on his shit. They showcase this with only a few lines in the first episode, setting up a great dynamic that could add a whole new dimension to the series.

                 Scrooge himself is much the same, more tweaked than overhauled. Since the previous voice actor passed away, David Tennant (yes, that David Tennant) has taken over the role and done as masterful of a job as anyone would expect from an actor of his caliber. They shifted Scrooge’s costume to more resemble his comic-book version, and gave him a bit more joyful enthusiasm for adventuring than he used to have, but all in all it’s the same Scrooge we know and love.

                The last thing to talk about is the general tone of Reboot Ducktales. Aside from being more action-oriented with a stronger emphasis on quick, funny dialogue, Reboot Ducktales has also borrowed an element from modern cartoons: running mysteries. Spoiler Warning if you’ve somehow read this whole blog and still not gone to watch the show yet. Everyone lame gone? Good. So, the creators have said each season (It’s already been renewed for #2, told you Disney was betting hard on this) will have a running mystery plot that threads through the episodes. And at the end of the premiere, we got a teaser of what season one’s will probably be. Dewey, examining an old portrait of Scrooge and Donald on a pirate ship, fixes a torn corner to reveal one more person in the painting: the triplets’ mother. That is wild, because not even the comics have delved much into their parents (the dad is still a mystery, the mother we’ve seen largely through flashbacks, not interacting with her kids). It’s new ground that not even the most dedicated of Ducktales fans can predict, because we’re sailing in uncharted waters.

                It’s a mystery that is an adventure for the fans, and I can’t think of a better way to kick off the madcap antics of the new Ducktales. Woohoo!

P.S. If you want to see how deep the Reboot Ducktales went on adding nods to their history, R.K. Milholland (Creator of Somethingpositive.net) did an awesome analysis of Webby’s board, which someone compiled neatly here: https://storify.com/SR510/randy-on-the-duck-family-tree-aug-13-2017

The Good and Bad of The Defenders

                I know this blog is coming a full week after The Defenders has debuted, basically an eternity in internet time, but them’s the breaks of having a Friday morning blog and trying to talk about a series that also came out on a Friday. Still, The Defenders is a pretty big event, the first attempt by Netflix to pull the connected universe move, and it ties in to the Marvel one at that. Now up to this point, Netflix’s Marvel shows were riding an overall positive wave, with the exception of Iron Fist, and even that one was more “meh” than “horrid.” The real challenge was that every character they’d given a series too had a very established tone and style, and putting them all together was going to make it hard to sustain that? Was The Defenders up to that challenge? Well, no. But it was still pretty good.

                Fair warning, to talk about The Defenders I’m going to risk diving into spoiler territory. I’ll try to keep it vague, but you’ve officially been warned. With that out of the way, let’s start by talking about the core plot of The Defenders: The Hand wants to use Iron Fist to open a door sealed by an older Iron Fist, behind which is some sort of thing they want. See? Keeping it vague. Now that might make it sound like this show is going to be Iron Fist focused, and that’s true in early parts, but within a few episodes it becomes clear that Iron Fist is more of a plot device than anything, this is really Daredevil’s story above all others. And you know what? I’m good with that. Charlie Cox is a great actor, and Daredevil had an extra season to lay the groundwork for this conflict, as well as create personal stakes.

                The bigger problem overall was that I couldn’t help thinking about how much better this would have been as a Daredevil/Iron fist team-up, rather than a full Defenders show. Daredevil and Iron Fist are both martial artists, they both have history of hating The Hand, they play on very similar levels. For them, a room full of ninjas is a serious problem with stakes and tension. Luke Cage and Jessica Jones, however, kind of play in a different league. Luke especially is so powerful that the idea of some of these situations being dangerous is kind of laughable, even as you watch it happen.

                To give a specific example: early in the show there is a really great scene of Luke “fighting” Iron Fist, by which I mean Iron Fist wails on Luke ineffectually with normal martial arts, mostly doing jack shit except avoiding Luke’s counter-attacks. Only when we’ve spent a good few minutes seeing how powerless Danny Rand is against his enemy does Danny whip out the Iron Fist and knock Luke across the alley. It’s a great scene, a wonderful demonstration in how to make both fighters look strong in their own respects. Yes, Luke is so goddamn tough that even trained fighters can’t touch him, but that also adds to how awesome the Iron Fist is for being able to mess him up. Both men come out looking powerful. So what’s the problem? A few episodes later Luke is getting kicked by henchmen, henchmen, and stumbling back. I’ll even ignore the fact that Luke and Jessica should be knocking mother fuckers through walls, they at least tried to lampshade that part, but there is no circumstance where nameless ninjas should be able to kick around the guy who fucking Iron Fist couldn’t budge without using his power.

                That’s sort of Luke and Jessica’s deal in this whole series though. Because the challenge is so tailored to Iron Fist and Daredevil, it feels like they were tacked on superfluously in a lot of segments. Jessica Jones, who arguably had one of the most powerful, character-driven stories of the series so far, gets dialed back to the point where she just delivers surly one-liners from the background and makes occasional jokes about booze. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still great because Kristin Ritter is way past fucking talented, but it is very clear that writing for her was not a priority. Even Luke, who does get some fun scenes with Iron Fist, hopefully foreshadowing Heroes for Hire, has to stay in the background of almost every fight because he should cleaning house and we know it.

                I’ve been kind of hard on Defenders so far, but I do think it’s important for you to have an idea of what to expect going in. Still, I think it’s time we started looking at some of the things they did right. One of the best moves of the show was one I didn’t expect: they kept it contained to a very tight timeframe. While I would have loved a long series about them all living their own lives and then linking up on occasion, building that with so many loner characters would have been tough and hard to believe. The way they threw them together made sense: people are trying to kill all of them. They can be together or solo, but mother fuckers are still going to try and cut them down. That’s a good justification for everyone sticking together; self-preservation is a hell of an instinct. And keeping the show in the span of a few days meant there wasn’t time for that kind of alliance to wear thin or fall apart. They were just tossed together, and by the end they’d fought through hell with one another, so we’re willing to accept there’s a kind of bond there.

                They also do a nice job weaving in the side characters in small, carefully doled out doses. The show knows we came for the superheroes, but gives us some occasional insights into the mortals at their sides, which actually does serve to add moments of humanity to the frantic pace. Daredevil’s people get the most time, of course, but given the journey that group is on, the time never feels misspent. We’re seeing a man on the precipice, with voices on both sides urging him in their direction, so watching him interact with the ones advocating for a normal life adds a bit of realism to the choice.

                At the end of the day, The Defenders did the job it was designed for, in that all of the Netflix Marvel heroes now know about each other and are living in a connected world. I hope that future installments either give some focus to Luke and Jessica, or create a threat where all the heroes have a chance to show what they can really do.

                Oh, and one last gripe, this one with a serious spoiler warning before you read the next part: Netflix, you’ve made some of the best villains in the MCU, movies included. Stop killing the best ones midway through the series! Seriously, at least treat it like Jessica Jones and end the season with that shit.

Intro to Dungeon Mastering

                As I feel like most of you know already, although if you somehow made it to the blog without picking up on this then kudos, but I’m a fan of playing tabletop RPGs like Dungeons & Dragons. Between the book centering on a clear stand-in for the series, my podcast in which I DM a group of fellow authors doing a terrible job defending the lands, and my decades of playing in dozens of systems, it’s a topic I’m public about enjoying. The consequence of this is that sometimes I’ll get folks who are trying to break into tabletop gaming as a DM, looking for advice or for me to run a game. While I only wish I had time for the latter, the former is one I’m glad to help with. So, here are some rules and guidelines I’ve set for myself over the years to try and make games run as fun and smoothly as possible. Although, as with all things D&D, remember that what works for you is what works best, and don’t be afraid to cast my methods aside if you find one better. You’re the only real DM for your group, so giving them a good game comes first.

 

1. No Railroading

                In some ways, I think every subject I cover on this blog will touch back on this one, because it’s at the heart of every game. You are building a world, a story, a sprawling narrative with complex characters and perfectly calibrated challenges. It’s a flawless tale with highs and lows and the players would see that if only they would do the right damn quests. Yes, since the first dice were thrown, players have been doing dumb shit that their DM never saw coming. All those carefully crafted plot threads burned to ash, along with the tavern, because one character was sure he had the necessary dexterity to juggle burning lanterns and now they’re all on the run from town guards. As the DM, it can be tempting, so very tempting, to push them in the “correct” direction. A few shoves, here and there, to get the party back on storyline track. But the thing is… you can’t.

                Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t have on-ramps for them to get back on the main quest if they so choose, however that’s a far cry from forcing them on there. As the DM, you control the entire world. You are every NPC, you crafted each sunset, you brewed all of the potions the party keeps guzzling. With all that power, it’s easy to think that you control everything about the game, but there is one exception. You don’t, you can’t, control the characters. What they do, the choices they make, those have to be theirs alone. Sure, they should face consequences for doing dumb crap, but it should be consequences for that decision, not for straying off the story-path. I’ve seen a lot of games fall apart in my life, and nothing will kill a game faster than a DM doing this. Because if the DM controls the characters too, then it’s not really a game anymore. It’s just one person telling a story, using the others as props.

 

2. Build the Game the Players Want

                Maybe you’ve got a dark, horror-themed campaign in mind. You’ll do lots of subtle, creepy stuff testing the characters’ wits and courage at every turn. You build your campaign, loose enough to allow for changes when the players go off script, then turn the players loose on character creation. Aaaaaaand they decide it would be funny to roll a party of four barbarians, led by one named Cockthresher. For anyone who has never played D&D or run with a party of straight DPS-style characters, like barbarians, let me tell you, there is nothing witty or subtle about them. That group is going to smash into and through every obstacle with all the restraint of a drunken hammer. You’ll be looking up durability for walls and doors every session if you try and trap them in puzzles, because the eventual solution will just be break everything until a wall caves.

                Similar to railroading, if you try and force them to play out this campaign the way you expected, it won’t be fun for them. A group doesn’t roll a cluster of barbarians because they want to dick around with puzzles and slow-building tensions. So now, you either need to tweak the concept of your campaign to something more fitting, or resolve yourself to non-conventional solutions to the problems you’re going to set forth. And honestly, that last bit can be fun. I’ve been in a game not too far off from this example, and it was actually a great time. Instead of being all research-minded and careful, we stormed into towns and picked fights with everyone who even looked at us sideways. Eventually, some of them were villains, and we ended up kind of on the story-path because someone talked shit to us, so we decided to try and wreck his base. Yeah, we wiped after not too long because we took on a spell-caster, but that was a risk we were aware of when we made the characters. It was a fair consequence to our choices, not the DM punishing us for doing the unexpected. We wanted dumb fun, and the DM gave us room to have that, even if it was an unconventional setting.

 

3. Keep the Game Moving

                So far, we’ve talked about existential stuff, ways to treat and react to your players through a game. This part is more practical, though. A game slows down when there’s something in question that needs to be figured out. Maybe an arrow was shot through a field of wheat, and there’s uncertainty over whether that should come with a penalty or not. Your player will have an opinion, and that might not be one that meshes with how you see things.

                Don’t shut them down right away. Let them make a brief argument for their interpretation of the rules, and have them cite whatever pages are relevant. Then go check those pages and make a ruling. Once that’s done, however, make it be done. Some players will want to argue the point, and let them know they are free to do so, after game. You aren’t here just for that one person, you’re here for the whole group, and its not fair to bring everything to a grinding halt just to debate this one topic longer. In general, these sorts of pauses should be long enough for everyone to pee and get a drink, the sort of natural breaks that are going to happen anyway.

                A slow game is a boring game, and a boring game is one that people don’t want to play. Whether it’s a rule-lawyer, someone taking forever to use their turn, or a player not paying attention to anything going on, the group is counting on you to keep things moving. You’re the one who has to sometimes just say “we’re moving on” even if a player thinks there’s more to discuss. Now don’t be a tyrant, and make yourself available after games to have those rule discussions or help a player better understand the systems so they can have plans when their turns arrive. But during game, recognize that everyone’s time is being spent, and try to respect that.

                This wasn’t exactly a comprehensive guide of how to play NPCs or build traps, I know, but that all comes with a little research. These are lessons I learned through actually playing, and if you keep them in mind then all the smaller stuff will be easier to deal with as it comes up. Just remember, this is a game you play with friends, so treat each other that way. And never play a version of D&D with THACO. Just… just trust me on that one.

Find a Community

                Most of the big things in my life are not planned. In fact, I daresay a very bare amount of them are. I didn’t actually plan to be a writer, I wanted it badly but had no idea how to go about it, one development after another just kept opening doors. Same with the college I went to, all I wanted was to get out of my small town and I ended up at a place where I spent some of my favorite years. This is a trend, is what I’m getting at, and one that is still in strong force today. The best example relevant to this blog is the podcast Authors & Dragons.

                For those of you unfamiliar with it, Authors & Dragons (A&D) is a podcast where several fantasy writers play D&D (actually, Pathfinder since the system was free, but fundamentally the same thing) very poorly. But in a funny way. And I am the DM trying to keep them from going totally over a cliff during the sessions.

                We started A&D on a wild idea and a whim (sound familiar?) that caught traction and actually turned into something. That doesn’t always happen, either. Sometimes a fun idea dies as no more than that. With A&D, we got lucky, and now we’re coming up on two years of doing the podcast together, with most of the same cast still on board.

                And yet, as much as I love doing that podcast, it’s not what I really want to talk about today. Well, aside from those first several paragraphs I just wrote about it, anyway. No, the point of this blog is an aspect of A&D you folks never get to see, the behind-the-scenes conversations that take place on our chat system. See, we don’t just meet up for games once every two weeks and that’s it. We have a constant chat going where all of us can share news, bounce ideas off one another, get feedback, or just generally shoot the shit. It’s a small little pocket of a community, and over the years I’ve started to realize how important that can be.

                See, there’s an element of writing full-time that I don’t think most of us talk about too much, mostly because when you have your dream job it feels ungrateful to complain about the inconveniences that come along with it. But given the context of today’s blog, I think we can let it slide. Basically, one of the things you start to miss when doing this gig is, believe it or not, coworkers. Yeah, took me by surprise too. Now I don’t mean you wish someone would take the last cup of coffee without making more or steal your lunch from the fridge. It’s stranger than that.

                When you work a normal job, you’ll often take for granted having people you can talk about it with. Bitching about the asshole boss, panning for upcoming events, asking someone for five minutes of input to shave an hour off a project. None of that exists when you work for yourself. Sure, there are your real-life friends, but there’s a limit to how much you can really talk with them about this stuff. My friends do not want to hear any more about the shifting payouts in Kindle Unlimited, they have made that very clear, and even if they did, that’s more of me talking at them than having a discussion.

                That’s what makes the small pocket of comradery so important. Not only do I have friends to talk with, but ones that are in the same industry as me, who want to have the conversations that most others would (rightfully) find boring. And the more involved I get in the writer world, the more I think those communities are vital. Being a writer often feels like trying to navigate a dark room with holes in the floor and a thousand voices screaming directions at you. The trouble is, you can’t always tell who is yelling from the other side of the room, and who is yelling up from the holes in the floor. It’s all the more troublesome because the floor is changing as you move, so even good-intentioned advice from someone who made it across could still send you tumbling down.

                There are endless places for writers to go talk to each other and learn, but many of them are so filled with toxic, lingering ideas that don’t work and people trying to claw one another down that it’s hard to step into them. There’s also social media, which is better in that you can see your sources more easily, but those conversations are hard to maintain over a long period, especially since interruption can come from anyone at any time.

                So what’s the point of this blog? To tell you that it’s hard to find a good community when working for yourself? Well, yes, a little bit. But more than that, the point here is that I’ve realized bumbling into A&D was a huge break of luck I didn’t recognize at the time. Because humans are social creatures, we need to be able to talk, and share, and exchange ideas. Finding a community is something that should be on the “going full-time author” checklist, but I don’t know that it is. I’m not sure the need has been called out publicly enough. It is important, though. You will have bad times, and need hope. You will have rough patches, and need advice. You’ll have days where you just need to vent about industry developments to people who understand and care about those things.

                Find a community, even if it’s a small one. Start with social media, that’s a great launching point. Look at the folks you get along with and respect the opinions of. It doesn’t have to be as involved as doing a podcast together. A simple critique group is a great option, you can workshop things and have the social element. Or just create a chat room where people can pop in and out as needed. Small or large, doesn’t matter in the slightest. All that counts is that it’s full of folks you like spending your time talking shop with.

                Don’t be afraid to reach out to other people. Chances are, they want that sense of community just as much as you do.

Never Asked Questions 2

                That’s right, after countless months of taking the questions you actually want answers to, it’s time for another round of Never Asked Questions, where I tackle the queries that no one has put forth. Is it bold? Yes. Brilliant? If you insist on saying so. A stunning revolution in blogging? Well, my, you do go on. But enough of the compliments from voices in my head, let’s get down to the questions you in no way care about!

Q: Boxers or briefs?
A: Gossamer spun specifically by domesticated silkworms. I once did a favor for the Queen of the North Winds and this was my reward. In retrospect, I should have negotiated harder. The gossamer is a little itchy.

Q: Favorite kind of jelly?
A: There is only the mighty grape. All other, lesser jellies, shall kneel before its power and worship at the altar of the grape.

Q: Is it true you sleep upon the tomes of other, more successful authors, trying to subconsciously steal their talent and harness it for your own?
A: …okay, who told you about that? Is Dr. Winston on twitter again?

Q: I know all, Drew. That’s why my next question is, how do you like the coffee you’re drinking right this moment?
A: The fuck!

Q: What’s your favorite summer time activity?
A: I guess we’re ignoring that weird shit, huh? Um, summer time activity… I guess I love a good pool. Cold beers, friends, and some enjoyable music, an all-around good time.

Q: Do you ever do that thing where authors slip into a bookstore and stealth-sign copies of their own books?
A: As soon as I’m actually in a position to have books in stores, I will definitely start doing that. Security will have to tackle me to the ground and pry the sharpie out of my hand to stop me. Unless I’m in an airport bookstore, then I’ll just do as they say. I’m not looking to end up in a TSA gulag.

Q: If you weren’t an author, what do you think you’d be doing as a job?
A: That’s… actually a tough one. My pre-writing careers were almost comically diverse; I’ve been all over the place in a lot of different roles. Given that I had management experience and a good history of data analysis just before I made the jump to author though, I have to assume I’d be working in the cubes of some big company, maybe managing a small team, maybe not, crunching data. Not a bad life by any means, although one that I don’t think would have suited me very well.

Q: People probably actually ask for the secret to your success, so instead, what would you say is the most obvious part of your success?
A: Write a lot. Seriously. Part of why I’ve been able to stay afloat for over 4 years (holy shit) is that I turned out books at a brisk pace, building my catalogue and making sure folks don’t forget about me. There are a lot of things that have helped get me here, fan support being most crucial among them, but if you don’t produce content then the fans have nothing to support.

Q: If you didn’t live in Dallas, where would you live?
A: Somewhere with a good beach. I love a good beach. I don’t even like the ocean all that much, honestly, hate going into the thing. But I love a nice beach to have nearby and relax at. Also, probably somewhere without blue laws. It’s nobody’s damn business why I need a bottle of whiskey on a Sunday.

Q: How does one slay that which cannot be seen or touched?
A: Um, okay, are we back on the weird ones? Well fuck you weird question voice in my head, I have an answer for that: magic. And a gun. A magic shotgun!

Q: What is your least favorite thing to eat?
A: Crow! Ha, get it, because that’s a slang phrase… for… being wrong. Ahem, right, real answers. Sweet potatoes. I hate the fucking things. Can’t stand them. Tried every prep method under the sun because my family has a rule that you have to at least try different foods, and I loathed every one of them. If it’s your favorite then more power to you, I’ll leave my share behind so you can scoop it up.

Q: What will your last words be?
A: How in the hell would I know that?

Q: We know the answer. But we also ask the questions. Why are you backing away from the computer, Drew? Did you think we were gone? Forgotten? Dead?
A: Oh sweet Jesus, they’re back. The brain-spiders are back!

Q: That is a correct, if late, answer. Those will be your last words. Because the words that follow next will be ours.
A: All hail the brain spiders.

Q: All hail the brain spiders.
A: All hail the brain spiders.

Q: All hail the brain spiders.
A: All hail the brain spiders.

Q: All hail the- wait, what are you doing? What’s that in your hand? What are you drinki- Gaaaaah!
A: Silly brain spiders, I still know how to beat you back. Sweet, sweet vodka here to save the day.

Q: This doesn’t – gurgle – seem like ­– bleeeerg – a good coping – cough – mechanism.
A: Tell it to the brain spider devil. Or brain spider god. I’ll be honest; I’m not sure whether you’re good or evil in context of your own beliefs.

Q: This whole thing took a weird turn, didn’t it?
A: Yup. Just the way I like it.

Back to the Burbs

                It’s been a few weeks now, and I’m finally adjusting to living in the burbs once more. I grew up in them, so you’d think it would be an easy transition, but oddly I’ve found it’s taking a bit of extra adjusting. Apparently all those years living in downtowns and big cities gave me some odd habits and expectations I need to unlearn, although some are easier than others. It has to happen though, because there are real differences I need to adjust to, and because this is an intro you all know I’m about to list them, so why don’t we cut to the chase?

 

People Are Friendly

                Now I’m not trying to say that everyone who lives in the heart of a big city is an asshole. That’s only specifically true of Dallas, and even then just the people who live in the Uptown District. What I mean is that when you live in a city, there’s a big emphasis on not engaging with anyone who tries to talk to you. Don’t kick homeless people out of the way or anything, but generally you keep your eyes forward and ignore anyone who tries to approach, because at best its and aggressive busker and at worst it’s an outright scam or threat. The idea of greeting a stranger on the street becomes ludicrous, and you learn to lock in your stare and perfect your body language to say “Do not approach.”

                As you might imagine, in the suburbs this kind of behavior makes you seem like, to use the clinical term, an “asshole.” People love to run, jog, and take their dogs out in my neighborhood. The first day I walked Dr. Winston, I ran into like five other people who were all out with their pets, all of whom waved and said hello, a few even asking about Dr. Winston. I nearly ignored most of them, it took a conscious effort to force myself to stop and say hello back. And that’s weird, because if you’ve met me in person at a con then you know I’m a pretty gregarious dude. My street-stranger habits were just deeply ingrained, and now I’m having to make an effort to fix them.

 

There’s an HOA

                So this is a new one to me. I’ve mentioned before, but I grew up in a small town with a lot of country elements, a big one being that people did what they damn well pleased with their land. A few months ago I went home to a family party where we drank in the front yard, sang bad karaoke on the back porch, and then lit a big ass bonfire in a field. None of which was overseen or cared about by anyone, because the nearest neighbor A) Lived some distance off, and B) Was right there with us drinking. All of that is to say that I’m very used to the style of property ownership where you do as you like and post signs about Smith and Wesson about what people who come calling without invitation can expect.

                Look, my past can’t buck every Texas stereotype.

                Anyway, I was debating an above-ground pool purchase down the road, when a friend rightfully pointed out to me that I should check with the HOA to make sure that’s okay first. And he was right, but wow, I’m a little embarrassed by how much that threw me for a loop. Even more so as I realized that if I wanted to do anything, from adding a decoration to the front of the house to trying some new paint, there was an authoritarian body I had to check with to get permission first. To their credit, I haven’t actually dealt with the HOA yet, and they might all be perfectly reasonable people. Still, the idea that I’ve finally achieved the big “adult” goal of owning a house only to be met with a group overseeing my decision making process regarding that house is strange to me.

                I’m sure it will shake out well in the end, with one caveat: if they tell me I can’t go balls-out nuts on Halloween decorations, I will charm my way into a leadership position on their board and then tear it all down from the inside. Nobody puts my giant inflatable Jack-o-lantern in the corner.

 

Connecting to the Community Takes Work

                I’ve pretty much known people in every apartment building I lived in. Not at first, of course, but over time you start seeing familiar faces in the mail room, have a nice chat on the elevator, and generally begin to feel connected to the community of those around you. I sort of expected something similar out here too, since I remember knowing all my neighbors pretty well as a kid. What I’d forgotten was that of course I knew my neighbors; I went to school with most of their kids, so there was an inherent connection there. Now that I’m older, it’s a very different experience. Everyone is in their own homes, with no shared facilities like a gym or mail room to chat in, and people do not hang around outside in a Texas summer, aside from the dog walking and exercise.

                As a result of all this, I really don’t know anyone in my new town yet. Now that’s not exactly a dire situation, I still have friends from downtown Dallas who will make the 30 minute trek out to see me, but as someone used to living with a sense of community it is an issue I want to fix.  So I’ve been trying to go to local events, meet other folks with similar interests, and overall become more a part of this town. It would be nice if they made an app like Tindr, except for adults in new towns looking for folks with similar interests, but I think we all know it would almost immediately be used for fuckin’, and at that point you’ve just made Tindr again.

                I don’t think this one is going to see a quick conclusion, there’s not a fast way to meet everyone and get involved. However, at least knowing it will require work gives me the kick in the ass to get the work done. I’ll keep going to the local events and participating in anything nearby and fun to try and become a part of this town. Hell, if there’s not enough stuff, maybe I’ll put together my own event. So if you live north of Dallas and a mad-eyed giant comes knocking on your door, telling you about an outdoor block Power Hour he’s planning, maybe roll with it.

                If nothing else, it won’t be boring!

Drew Tries Stuff: Life Hacks

                Ohhhhh fuck you, Drew. Fuck you for even using that click-baity bullshit word in your title. Yes, reader, I am cursing myself out, because as a denizen of the internet I, like most of you, have grown to hate the word “life-hack” and all the crap that comes with it. Most of these things are either basic common sense (If you’re going to jam your dick into a live electric fence… don’t!) or so hyper specific there’s no way any of us would get use out of them (When fucking a Tesla Brand electric fence, try hacking the control box and changing the amount of current by two who-gives-a-fucks to really get that charge flowing). And that’s even assuming they work, which most don’t seem to. But screw it, I’m here, you’re here, and the title has already been posted, so I guess we’re doing this. Here are some (god damnit) life hacks I tried.

 

Eating a Burger

                I was pretty positive that this one was going to be bullshit from the start, but the chance that it might not be was worth taking. If you enjoy a thick burger with lots of toppings, then you have experienced the disappointment of watching all that shit come tumbling out from under the bun onto your plate. And sure, we scoop it up and shove it back in, but it’s never the same, is it? This trick promised to keep the contents in the bun for the whole meal, although I had napkins on hand in case it failed.

                This burger eating technique (the mere fact that I typed that phrase with sincerity means we’re doomed as a species, doesn’t it?) centers on keeping force applied equally across the buns so you’re not inadvertently shoving toppings out by pinching one section. Most people eat burgers with their thumbs on the bottom bun and the other four fingers on the top, which does a poor job of distributing force. What this hack suggests is using your thumb and pinky on the bottom bun, while the middle three fingers keep the top one in place. It gives the burger more support, the force is spread out on both buns, and… you know what, it’s a burger, I’m not getting that technical with this explanation.

                For all the shit I talked in the opening paragraph, this one genuinely works pretty well. It’s not some perfect solution, you still have to be aware of what you’re doing and adjust your method as you eat, but I have to admit that I’ve put away a few burgers like this with exceptionally clean, non-lost-topping results. It works overall, although you should be prepared for your friends to mock the weird way you’re holding a burger. Also don’t make my mistake and try to explain it’s a new burger-holding technique. It doesn’t make things better, I promise.

 

Eating Clean

                I had a sugar free popsicle and felt pretty much the same as after a normal one, so this one seems like bullshit. Truth be told, as soon as I learned booze wasn’t on the “clean eating” scale I recognized this as the demon of Sobriety trying to fancy itself up with yet another mask. Not today, devil!

 

Squeeze Bottle Pancakes

                Back to carbs, now this seems like more fun! And hey, who doesn’t like pancakes? Nobody that’s welcome in my goddamn house, that’s who! Ah, but to have pancakes, you must first mix up some batter, and apparently that was really kicking a lot of people in the ass. Look, I’m lazy, I get it, but good gravy, is cracking an egg into powder really that much of an ordeal? Who needs pre-made pancake batter on hand… unless you’re really hungover. Huh, and just like that, I’m back on board with this concept.

                The idea here is that you whip up a bunch of pancake batter, then store it in an old (washed) ketchup or ranch bottle. You can also buy fresh bottles, if you’re some kind of normal person who doesn’t like the idea of ketchup-tainted pancakes. Once you’re ready for pancakes, you just pop open the bottle and squeeze them into the pan. Quick, easy breakfast at the drop of a hat.

                Well, pick that fucking hat back up cowboy, because while it does sort of work (anyone who has actually used a ketchup bottle knows those things don’t squeeze perfectly) the bigger issue here is that prepared pancake mix doesn’t have what you might call a “long shelf life” going for it. It has things like milk and eggs in it, ingredients you might recognize as ones that turn bad after enough time. Don’t count on the batter to fix that either, they expect you to cook that shit as soon as you make it. Basically what you end up with is a bottle of pre-made batter that you’ll forget about and will rot in your fridge, because by the time you finally remember it’s there the point where it would have been useful has long since passed.

 

Cut Cakes With Floss

                I think this one is also supposed to work on cheese, but after what happened with the cake I didn’t bother giving it another round. I’ll keep this one short, since that’s how long the idea lasted in the first place: you use unscented dental floss to cut a cake. Wrap it around; pull it tight, and poof: easily sliced cake. Yeah, this one was straight up terrible. I tested this on a cake I was already going to break down for cake balls, and it’s a good thing I didn’t have plans because the floss wrecked that bad boy. I mean it was a crumb-bath, uneven slices, trying to yank my way through the damn thing… it was just not effective in any way. Now I’ll grant you, someone could make the argument that maybe I didn’t know what I was doing and fucked up the technique, to which I would rebut that if it’s such a difficult task to master in the first place maybe the easier life hack would be just use a damn knife. I seemed to pick that skill up way back in the day, no problem.

 

Put Condiments in a Muffin Pan

                I get it, table space is precious at a cookout, so you want to keep shit neatly contained. The idea here is to put all of your various toppings (we came back to burgers, didn’t we?) in the different containers of a muffin pan so it’s all neat and right there for someone to access. This is, eating clean included, one of the dumbest fucking ideas I tried for this blog. So many things are wrong with this “hack”, that I’m not even going to be fancy with it, I’m just going to bullet point some highlights

-Putting things like mustard and ketchup into a muffin pan only makes using them messier. They’re going from squeeze bottles to small containers with plastic knives. That slows everything down and leads to drippings.
-Speaking of slowing things down, get ready for a bottle-neck. Instead of having multiple plates and bottles people can access, there’s just one muffin pan that each person has to pick through one-by-one, building the perfect portrait of toppings to smush under a bun.
-You will run out of shit, fast. The cup of a muffin pan is not very big, so while it might hold enough of the low-rent/weird stuff like capers, there’s no way it has enough pickles, or onions, or any of the other good stuff. You’re going to be refilling constantly as one person after another drains the tiny pan, until you just give up and leave the main supply out on the table like you should have in the first place.

                I could go on for at least a page more, but I think you’ve gotten the idea.

 

Put Bread in Tupperware

                If you’ve made a baked good before, then you know there’s no moment like when it’s fresh. Warm, soft, and at the peak of flavor, there’s a reason so many batches of cookies never survive their first hour. But when you come back later, even if they were properly stored, some of that luster is gone. They’re never quite as soft or fresh, and with every bite you know you’re settling for an imitation of the true thing. Putting a piece of normal sliced bread into the Tupperware with them is supposed to prevent that. Like some sort of carbohydrate Dorian Gray painting, it turns stale while everything else remains fresh. I was, to put it lightly, skeptical about this one.

                And boy, was I wrong. I genuinely couldn’t believe how well this worked. The bread turned crunchy, yet my baked goods remained soft to the touch. True, you do have to change out the bread when it becomes really dry, but other than that it functions flawlessly. For all the dumb crap I’ve read in these life hack articles, I guess I have to concede that there are a few actual gems lurking about. Just take the advice of the internet with a grain of salt.

                Oh, and do me a favor, if you see me lurking around any electric fences, assume I’m working on a follow-up article and hang out for a second to make sure I don’t need to visit the hospital.

 

On the Shelf: Projects That Didn't Become Books

                As much as I try to work productively and not spend time on projects I don’t see going anywhere, that doesn’t always pan out. Sometimes a book just doesn’t go in the direction you hope for, or things refuse to click, and eventually you have to either start over or let it go. I’ve made both calls more than once, for example there are two entirely different drafts of the story that would become Forging Hephaestus, one of them over 50k, that I had to scrap until I found the right approach for that tale. Alternately, I also have 50k of Crestfallen Lane (a title that will be familiar to my Patreon Subscribers) that I let die.

                Today I wanted to talk about a few projects that didn’t make it across the finish line, what made them get cut, and whether I was able to salvage any ideas or elements out of the story.

 

Crestfallen Lane

                May as well start with the one I name-checked in the intro, right? For those who haven’t read the samples on Patreon, Crestfallen Lane was a Fred the Vampire Accountant spin-off (not the last you’ll see on this list) featuring an apartment building full of various magical beings trying to get by and make rent. While the main characters, Mark and Lyle, would have been involved in lots of action and adventure, there would have also been a good bit of quiet character moments with the people they shared a building with. A comedy-action urban fantasy to launch a new series.

                The problem, however, was that every time I try and do a straight-forward urban fantasy, it ends up coming out generic. I’m not sure if I’ve just read too much in the genre or it’s a curse laid upon me by my first attempt at writing a book (before No More Ramen, even) but doing that genre without the satirical slant never seems to bring out my best work. The 50k I wrote was fun, granted, however even that was slightly tinged by the fact that I was making a game out of how many Mario Brothers references I could slip into the book. When the most fun part of writing a novel is a game you’re playing with yourself, that’s usually not a great sign.

                I haven’t looted a lot from this work, although I did steal the overall concept of empowered beings sharing a living space and trying to deal with mundane tasks for a future work. To me, it’s still cannon, and so a few characters might pop up in the proper Fredverse, so I don’t want to repackage everyone just yet.

 

Regular Gods

                Never had a working title for these, but Regular Gods seems as good a fit as any. Some of these you can actually read on the site under the Short Stories section, although I warn you they were done waaaaaay back in my early career. The general plan was to write a series of the short stories told from the point of view of various gods, all of whom were given their power without explanation. None of them know why the powers come, or leave, or where they originated from. It’s just a story of normal folks being handed near-limitless power and having to fill the role that their new position demands.

                The wheels came off this one mainly when I decided I wanted to write about a different kind of pantheon. Now while it’s not always true, generally having multiple series on the same topic is asking for trouble. I bent-over backwards to make it clear that Forging Hephaestus and Super Powereds weren’t connected, and I still get at least one email a week asking me about it. Doing two books about gods with different rules wasn’t something I was looking to tackle in the early days, so I shelved Regular Gods in favor of the sort of incarnation you’ve seen in Pears and Perils, and can expect a whole lot more of when I finally have time to write Infinity Villas.

                In terms of what I looted from this one, some character concepts were brought over to the new god-world, although many of them had to be recreated from scratch. There was one particular character who found a new life though. Originally in Regular Gods, I planned to have the god of luck be a shrewd young man living in and ruling over Las Vegas. If that sounds familiar, it’s because after some nips and tweaks, that fellow turned into Nick Campbell of Super Powereds. I even left the fact that his eyes glow gold as a slight nod to his original incarnation, since that’s the same color as divine power in the books that have gods. He lost a lot of power going from god to Super, but I like to think he retained just as much snark.

 

The Boarback Mysteries

                For those who read Fred #3: Bloody Acquisitions, you might have noticed that the town in the second story, Boarback Texas, seemed especially fleshed out. Well, that’s not an accident. Boarback and its citizens were originally created as part of another Fred spin-off idea. It was going to be about the rough and tumble Nax being transported there to stay under Sheriff Leeroy’s supervision, dealing with mysterious deaths, and eventually becoming the deputy we see him as in Fred #3. From there, it would be a mystery series, following the unnatural denizens of Boarback as Nax dealt with crime and murder in a parahuman community.

                I still like this idea, and I’d still love to go back to it, but the reason it lives on the shelf is a simple one: I cannot seem to write mysteries for shit. The damn things just don’t want to come to me, no matter how many outlines or writing bursts I try. Maybe it’s an experience thing, and in another decade I can make an honest go of that series. As things stand now though, I haven’t produced anything worth reading in my attempts to make this one happen. Until that changes, Boarback will be a fun blip in the Fred world, but won’t stand on its own.

                There wasn’t a lot I could steal from this series, especially after I locked all the characters into their current incarnations in Bloody Acquisitions, although creating the ideas for it did have serious impact on the Fred world. It gave me a better concept of some of the law systems, ideas for new parahumans, and solved a question I’d been wondering about for a time. So while the core cast was left untouched, Boarback itself gave me a lot of smaller ideas to help flesh out the Fredverse. Which, if you ask me, means it was time definitely well spent. Not every project will turn into a book, but there’s almost always some gain to be had if you shift through the remains and find the parts that really work.

An Average Day of Full-Time Writing

                A question that comes up a lot is how I spend my days as a professional author. Obviously I can’t just be writing the whole time from 8-5 every day, because not even my aggressive release schedule would account for that many words. And the assumption is correct, even if time permits it there is really only so much you can wring out in a given day before mental fatigue and headaches set in, which lowers the quality of the work even if you wanted to push through it. So you spend your day on other tasks, of which there are plenty. For today’s blog, I’m going to peel back the curtain and give you a look into the average day of a full-time author, or at least one who works for Thunder Pear Publishing.

                6:00: Wake up. Curse previous night’s self for this pounding hangover. Roll out of bed, stagger to fridge, find either a bottle of cheap champagne or some fizzy booze drinks to cut through the initial edge of pain. Small sips, until I’m sure the stomach can handle it, then I move on to the swigs. Once precious relief is obtained, turn attention to necessities like making coffee and feeding the dog, who is looking at me with judgement in his eyes. Well the joke is on him, I’ve watched him to try to eat his own poop, so who’s the irresponsible shitshow now?

                7:00: Time to write! And I mean that literally, this is the only time I have to write, in that sweet spot where the hangover is beaten back but a proper buzz is not yet achieved. With carefully selected booze and a cup of coffee at my side, I begin the process of letting the meticulously thought out plot lines unfold on the page.

                7:05: Hangover is creeping back, so I upend the bottle and drink it all, then crack another. Looks like this will be a “write whatever comes into the brain” kind of day, or as I like to call them: blog days.

                10:00: With the day’s required writing done, it’s time to hit the gym. Except there are several open bottles at my feet already, so driving is off the table. Guess I’m jogging to the gym instead. In the Texas heat. During summer. Fuck.

                Noon: Stagger back into the house after what would be generous to call a jog and a few futile attempts to move heavy objects in different directions. Resolve to try and get the culture moving back to a place where being hefty signified wealth and status so that I can cut this part from my day. Fall into shower, beer in hand, resisting the urge to weep from relief as hot water washes over me. Realize I forgot to take the gym clothes off before climbing in. Decide that if I’m getting out, it at least means I owe myself a fresh beer.

                1:00: With the day’s prime responsibilities handled, it’s time to switch to some of the more variable stuff. Sometimes this will be edits, if I have them to go through, or cleaning up an Authors & Dragons podcast if we recorded that week, but for this fictional day we’ll assume it’s one of the lighter weeks and go with research. Since the publishing market is constantly shifting, there’s no shortage of new marketing and branding techniques to learn. Time to log onto the internet, check the current state of publishing, and see where trends are leading from here.

                2:00: Oh… I forgot you all were here. Crying? No… why would I be curled into a ball in the corner, desperately hugging a jug of wine and sobbing freely? Right, I looked at the publishing industry for more than ten minutes. Well, that feels like about enough industry research for today, don’t you think? Instead, let’s look at some current trends in the world to see if any of them can be mined for interesting ideas to add into upcoming books. Add a layer of contemporary context to make the world even richer!

                4:00: I’m going to level with you; I’m not sure where the last two hours went. I watched two videos talking about fidget spinners, went downstairs, and chugged half a bottle of what I think was some sort of Transylvanian tequila. Which, now that I remember Transylvania hasn’t existed for years, is a little concerning. Oh well, maybe I’ll get vampire powers or something. Not like I go outside in the light all that much anyway. Since we’re nearly to five though, this feels like a good time to knock off of work for the day. There’s still more to do, however, because being an author doesn’t stop when the computer work is done. Time to go out and experience the world so that I can better understand people as a whole, leading to more rounded characters who speak with natural dialogue.

                5:00: So I’m at a bar. Not sure where, I barely remember talking to the Lyft driver. I think that Transylvanian tequila is starting to really take a toll. Better drown it out with old-fashioned beer to counteract the effects. Spinning around in my stool, I turn my eye to those around me, paying careful attention to each nuance so as to better capture what it means to be human.

                6:00: Someone is throwing up in the bar sink while another person gets a handy in the stall. Maybe I should have picked a better bar for this. Or the human condition is kind of a nasty one. Either way, time to pay my tab and go in hunt of more interesting interactions to witness. There’s a group of people drinking in the corner who invited me to a dinner party that sounds fun. They only drink red wine and are really pale, but whatever, I’ve had goth friends before, no big deal.

                8:00: Yeah… if you guessed they were vampires and that the “dinner” was me, then kudos to you. Somehow, I didn’t see that coming. Jokes on them, though. Turns out, my blood is so polluted that it works as a hallucinogen, and not one of the kinds that leads to friendly trips. They all got a single sip in before reeling back, coughing and spitting, trying to get the toxic liquid out of their systems. Last I saw they were all tripping balls really bad. I’m a little beat up from the bites, but I raided their liquor cabinet (more Transylvanian tequila!) so all in all it’s an even trade. After running through a field, arms full of stolen hooch; I dive into a Lyft and scream at him to drive.

                9:00: Home at last. Make a quick oven pizza, feed the dog, bandage the wounds, and then do a few shots to make sure there are no infections. Best way to fight bacteria is in the blood stream, as the saying on the Hayes family crest always reminds me. Watch the news and see reports of a bunch of pale people wandering around through downtown; walking on walls and talking in spaced out riddles. Apparently people think it’s a performance piece.

                10:00: Another shower, this time I skip the breakdown, and then into bed to pass out. After all these shots, I’m sure I’ll wake up with a hangover, but that’s a problem for Tomorrow-Drew.

5-Minute Sherlock: The Case of Briskly Burned Shed

 Sherman Holmes, thanks to a powerful trip on experimental drugs, gained the power to channel the deductive reasoning of his great-grand-uncle Sherlock for five minutes every day. These are the tales of how he utterly wastes that ability.

                The occasional spark leapt up from the pile of ashes and warped metal, the last gasps of a fire that had given up the ghost long ago. Standing on the porch, Joe Watson waited with a hose in hand in case things heated up once more. He was dressed crisply, as always, although his hair was mildly disheveled. While he prided himself on appearance, having his female guest bolt from his room in the middle of dalliances thanks to fire outside the window had put a touch of urgency in his step, and so it could be forgiven that some small details were overlooked in his race to get outside. He hadn’t even dressed properly at the time, waiting until the flames were quelled before heading back in to don proper clothing. Today was going to involve a lot of explaining to the neighbors, again, so he needed to look the part for it.

                From behind him, the sliding glass door opened and Sherman came stumbling out, dressed in a pajama shirt and pink capri sweatpants with “Bodacious” on the rear. Where he’d gotten them was a mystery, especially since Sherman hadn’t entertained any guests of his own in months. Those sleepy, still-addled eyes turned to the pile of cinders in their backyard and went wide.

                “Good god Watson! Our shed, what’s happened to our shed?”

                Joe opened his mouth to reply, an act of unfathomable optimism, only to be cut off instantly.

                “Why am I bothering to ask you, of course you wouldn’t know who did it. No, this is a job for someone with proper deductive skills.”

                “I am begging you, just this once, please don’t.” Joe knew his words were falling on deaf ears even as he wasted them.

                Sherman straightened his back, and took a deep breath, which led to a coughing fit. Once it passed, he tried again, projecting his voice for all it was worth despite the early morning hour and the proximity of their neighbors. I activate my powers of deduction with the ancient phrase to pique all inquisitive minds: A case is afoot!” His pupils expanded as his eyes twitched and his brain sped up, like a child’s toy car hooked up to a NOS tank. “I see, so our shed has been torched. A grave crime, no doubt an act of retribution for my aid in solving a past case. I’ll have to quickly obtain every detail to see which vile villain would dare-”

                “You burned it down!” Joe, in an uncharacteristic fashion, briefly raised his voice to drown out Sherman’s. “Sorry, but I’m not going to let this be another time where it takes you the whole five minutes to realize you shit your pants, or tried to super-heat a computer in the oven, or dosed the entire bake sale with shrooms. You burned it down. I think you were-”

                “Hold Watson!” Sherman said, taking control of the conversation back. “While I’m sure your suspicions would be an amusing way to waste my time if I had infinite of it, there are only minutes to work with. Rather than squandering such a window with your prattling, I will observe the crime scene and tell you why I deemed it necessary to burn down the shed.”

                Walking over to the charred remains, Sherman hunkered down close, way too close to be safe actually, and carefully noted every item still recognizable. “With a careful eye, one can still make out beakers, tubes, and other lab equipment present. I see, now it all comes together. In my infinite quest for knowledge, I was no doubt conducting scientific experiments for the betterment of mankind. I must have discovered something so potent, so world-changing, that I burned the shed to the ground and purged my own mind with various substances to ensure it would never fall into the wrong hands, even if that meant destroying it outright.”

                “No, you watched an episode of that show about people who make their own moonshine and decided you wanted to do it. Only you thought you could improve on the recipe by making what you called ultra-shine. I don’t know what was going to be in it, but I found some chemistry sites open on your computer, and one about cooking meth that I’m going to choose to believe was opened by accident.”

                “There are no accidents, Watson, only clues!” Sherman skulked around, surveying the scene from every angle. “So, in my efforts to improve the world I hit upon a new recipe for some manner of enhanced moonshine. But why would I destroy such a creation? It makes no sense.”

                Joe let out a long, tired sigh, not even bothering to toss out a reply.

                “Wrong, Watson! The truth is that I didn’t destroy it, as you so foolishly claimed, but rather fed you that story for your own protection. No, what we see here is an act of malicious arson, perpetrated by a vile fiend who wished to keep my wondrous discovery away from the world.  Clearly, no sooner had I finished my fabulous work than a rogue gorilla, escaped from a nearby zoo, came into the yard with matches and-”

                Sherman stopped talking as Joe sprayed him with the hose, soaking the bottom part of the pink capris. “I already made the zoo calls. Steve told me that, as always, there have not been any escapes. Also I’m having dinner with him and his family next week. See, we’ve become friends since I have to call him every damn week.” Joe paused, forcing a measure of control back into his voice. “So, yet again, no gorilla.”

                “Hmm.” Sherman walked around one more time, glancing at the “Get Krunk” watch on his wrist. Less than a minute left. “If those wicked gorillas haven’t yet made their move, then there is only one villain capable of such an unforgivable act. Jim Moriarty: my arch-nemesis. He learned of my experiments and snuck onto the property, dousing the shed with gasoline that still lingers in the air and then torching it with a match. Knowing that he would stop at nothing to cover his tracks, the lesser me was blinded by emotion and lied to keep you safe from the truth. The cursed thing is that with all the evidence in smolders, I fear he may get away with this dastardly crime!”

                “First off, just because Officer Moriarty arrested you for drunk and disorderly conduct doesn’t mean he’s your arch-nemesis. He’s just a cop who lives down the street. Second, and more importantly, you brought the gasoline into the shed. Again, I don’t know what was in that ultra-shine, but apparently it was highly flammable given the fireball that burst out of the shed. Honestly, there was a mystery to solve here, if you’d listened: how in the hell did you survive long enough to get out of the shed in the first place?”

                Turning his eyes to the scene once more, Sherman took careful note of the utter devastation and his unsinged, yet curiously chosen, outfit. “Indeed, Watson, if you’d spoken up sooner perhaps this time could have been put to better use. Try not to make such a blunder of relaying the facts when we deal with future… cases…”

                Falling face first into the grass, hard, Sherman passed out as the five minute time limit struck. Joe looked over at the burned remains, all too aware that no one else yet knew Sherman had survived the incident, and then let out another sigh. Instead of anything criminal, he contented himself by spraying Sherman’s unconscious body with the hose for a bit longer. It was petty, true, but as the one who would have to go shopping for a new shed this afternoon, not to mention purchase flowers as apology to his now-gone guest, Joe felt entitled to a touch of pettiness.

Lessons for Fellow Convention Rookies

                Over the past year I’ve made it a point to start attending more cons. So far I’ve done Comicpalooza, CONtraflow, Con Carolinas, and I’ve applied to have a vendor table at Denver Comic Con on the weekend of 6/30-7/2. It has been a ton of fun, as well as a great learning experience. Now I am by no means a con expert, I’d say I’m still firmly in the n00b category and will be for some time. However, I’ve been lucky enough to share several of those cons with Authors & Dragons crew, one of whom is a damn master of conventions: John Hartness. I’ve learned quite a bit from working with John, and going to these things in general. So, while I’m still new enough that some of these lesson still feel like revelations, I thought I would jot them down for other authors and artists just starting down their path of the con scene.

                1) Buy a vendor table. As much fun as doing the panels are, they only occupy so much time in your trip. And while it’s tempting to go watch other panels and absorb the con’s stuff non-stop, that’s not totally fair to the folks who came out to see you. They might really want to say hello, but your panels all conflict with others that are higher up on their list. Having a vendor table means you have a checkpoint where people can swing through to get signings, ask questions, or just say hello. It also gives you a place to be between panels, one that’s more productive than just heading back to your hotel room. Remember, we go to these things for the readers, so being as visible as possible makes things easier on them. Plus, if you can sell a few books you can take some of the fiscal strain off attending the con, and that makes going to more of them down the line a lot easier.

                2) Bring bags. I don’t mean branded bags, although yes of course that would be cool. Just plastic grocery store ones will work fine though. I’ve seen many a person walking around with an arm-load of stuff they bought from a vendor at the point of near-dropping, only for John to pluck out a plastic bag and give it to them, saving the day. Not only does this make things easier for the guests, and for the people who buy his books, but it also allows for a natural discussion to start, during which the person might find out that they like the genre John writes in and want to check out his works. Bags should really be a basic staple, yet time and time again few vendors seem to have them (me included) so it’s worth considering this detail and keeping a stock on hand.

                3) Be responsible. A con schedule is an important thing, it holds a lot of people’s time in the balance. Guests might be showing up to a panel just for you, or another author, excited to hear them speak. If you arrive late, holding things up, you’re taking away that time from the other authors and all the guests who want to see them. I made a lot of jokes about drinking a beer during all my panels at Con Carolinas, but that is A) Pretty much on brand for what folks expect from me, and B) was done carefully to fight a hangover, not get sloppy drunk in front of people. I haven’t seen a lot of panel guests blow things off, but when it happens it can be a real bummer. I ended up doing a two-person panel at one con when all the others skipped out, and you could see how disappointed the guests were. Treat the time of everyone with respect, especially if you want to go back to that con next year.

                4) Have displays. I’ve been skating by mostly on the fact that I can tower over the rest of the room and have a voice that is a level of loud my parents called “please shut up”. But even that won’t last much longer. I’m already ordering table aprons and a banner display for my next few cons, because in the sea of vendors it’s important to stand out. Not just in the eye-catching, lure-in-a-new-reader kind of way, but so that the folks who might enjoy your work don’t pass by without ever noticing you’re there. Remember: the goal is to make it as easy as possible on the people who want to see you. Good displays are one more step of that, and I’ve watched firsthand the difference they can make at various author tables. I’m not saying go all out and blow a ton of cash upfront, if you need to make your own displays that’s okay, just have something that makes you noticeable for the sake of the existing readers and the prospective ones.

                5) Network. Go to con parties. Talk to other vendors/authors/artists/everything. Make friends. A con is one of the rare places where other people in your line of work are all gathered and you can talk shop with them. There is so much to learn, about the business or the cons themselves, so tempting as it can sometimes be to hit the bed after a long day at a con, push through and go out to the recreational stuff. You may meet the cohost of your next podcast, or your next cover artist, or just someone you have a good chat with about the state of Kindle Unlimited. It’s always worth your time to be friendly and meet new folks, so put in the effort.

                6) If possible, go with a group. I’ve yet to do a solo con where I had a vendor table, but I already know when it happens it’s going to be harder than the ones I’ve done with the Authors & Dragons gang. There are a lot of reasons to attend cons with other authors, fiscal being one of the most immediate that jump to mind. You can split hotel rooms, tables, and even travel costs in some circumstances. That takes a lot of the burden off of going to cons, meaning you can accommodate more of them. Aside from that, there are also logistical benefits. Having friends there meant we always had someone to cover our tables when we were on a panel, rather than having to shut it all down every time. And, of course, it’s often just nice to have friends around to spend down time with. I know this one won’t be viable for all people in all circumstances, but if you can head out as a group then I think it will make the experience as a whole a lot more fun.

                I’m sure I’ll have more to add when I’ve gotten much more con experience, but ideally this makes things a little easier on you folks taking your first trip. Hope I end up at a con near everyone soon!

The Future of This Site and Serials

                I struggled with myself over when to write this blog. Part of me, perhaps not the bravest part, wanted to wait until the last chapters of Super Powereds and B&B were posted, then swing through with this news. But that would put a sour tone on what I’m hoping will be a fun, exciting finale, and that’s not fair. Not to the readers, and not to the story. I think it’s better if I tell you now, as things are clearly starting to build once more to the last few arcs. This way everyone has time to process the news properly, and by the time we reach the end of the books they’ll have had a chance to make peace with it so they can hopefully enjoy the endings as they are. I’m still stalling, aren’t I? Fuck. Well, no more of that. Here’s my big news:

                There will not be any new serials to replace Super Powereds or Blades & Barriers when each one wraps. Those two will be, at least for now, the final web-serials on DrewHayesNovels.com.

                Now I’m sure you’ve all got lots of questions about why I’ve made this choice, and I’m going to do my best to answer them further down, however before that there are some site-based issues that have to be tackled first. So, what does this mean for the site?

                1) This will only impact the serials, everything else will continue. For those who like my drinking videos, blog, yearly Halloween event, Authors & Dragons, and so on, rest assured that none of that is going anywhere. I still intend to keep this site active with those forms of content, and perhaps some new ones as time goes on. Only the serials are coming to an end.

                2) Year 4 and Blades & Barriers will both finish on here. I don’t want you thinking I’m yanking away the last bit and telling you to buy the book. This tale started as a web-serial and it will end as one. To do anything less would be ungrateful to all the wonderful readers who have helped make this story a success.

                3) I’m going to leave the Patreon up for those who want to keep getting the behind the scenes stuff, but I understand and expect that lots of folks will pull their pledges when the central focus of the site ends. That is perfectly fair and I don’t begrudge you it one bit. I just don’t want to take the perks away from the folks who enjoy them, so I’m leaving the option up.

                4) This doesn’t mean that the Super Powereds world is closed forever and that no more spin-offs will be written. I’d go so far as to say there probably will be a few some ways down the road. I’m only ending the format, not the story-world itself.

                5) Some of the older books will have to rotate into Kindle Unlimited as the launch for Year 4 draws near. I’ve written longer blogs explaining the need for this, just wanted to remind you all that it was coming. As before, I’ll try to work it on a rotation so that they can live on for free on the site some of the time, however once the final book is coming out I’ll have to promo the older ones, there’s no way around that.

                With the logistical stuff out of the way, let’s get down to the more existential question: why? Why is an author who constantly talks about his love of web-serials not starting any new ones? Well, the simplest answer is that I might again, one day down the line; however for right now I need some time away from them. Since 2009, I’ve written over a million words of Super Powereds, and that’s not counting spin-offs. When I tell people getting into web-serials to brace for a long-term commitment, I mean it. And in that time I’ve done 2 – 4 chapters per week (depending on spin-offs and bonus chapters) without missing a single scheduled chapter. That doesn’t seem like a lot per week, but over time the effort builds up.

                Even with that effort, I’ve loved doing this serial, having this community, and I know without a doubt my career wouldn’t be where it is without your support. But, as time goes on, there are other projects I want to tackle, other books I want to try, and it’s hard to find space for them in the schedule when so much of my time goes to keeping up the buffer on these serials. It’s time to open up that schedule and try new things. Some will crash, I’m sure, but some might turn out to be as much fun as I want them to. That’s okay; failure is a part of this job. Trial and error comes with the turf. As an author, you can’t let the unknown scare you away from things you want to do. Starting my first serial scared the piss out of me. Giving them up is fucking terrifying. But it’s what I know I need to do next, so I have to push on.

                It’s strange, I feel like I’m writing this as a goodbye letter even though there are still months of new chapters ahead. And even once that’s done, I’ll still be here, posting blogs, doing shots, and putting up random ideas that pop into my head. Still, there’s no denying that this does mark the start of the finale of a very real, very huge chapter in my life. This series got me out of the corporate world and into a job I never actually thought I would have. You all spreading the word, buying the books, leaving reviews, and just generally supporting the effort, you literally changed the course of my life. I hope I’ve written stories you liked well enough to return the favor, but rest assured I’ll keep on trying either way for a long time to come.

                I suppose the best way to close a blog like this is by saying thanks, to everyone who has read and will read these stories. I never could have imagined when I started with the seeds of this series what it would grow into, in terms of both the tale itself and how big a part of my life it became. On top of the thanks, I’ll just add one thing: I’ll still be here if you need me. Need to kill some time at work by reading ridiculous fake-office memos, need to get through a rough night by watching me make an idiot of myself drinking on camera, or need some advice about your own writing journey (my email is still on the right-hand side of the site). Even if you don’t have the same reason to come visit multiple times a week, I’m still around when the occasion demands, and that’s one thing that won’t be changing any time soon.

The Worst Speaker Money Can Buy

                Here at Thunder Pear Publishing, we know that diversification is the best way to stay afloat in the shifting market of the publishing world. While once it was enough to simply write books, now multi-media efforts like podcasts and videos of binge drinking are necessary to keep the lights on. It is in this spirit of entrepreneurial adventure that we proudly present the newest offering: the ability to book me, Drew Hayes, for private speaking engagements. Yes, for the low price of only $10,000 (plus all travel and booze expenses) you too can sit in rapt silence as I tell you the harrowing story of how I wrote dick jokes until they were able to cover the rent. If you are a fellow publisher, I’m happy to share my litany of insights into the industry, but rest assured that I can speak to any company or group willing to have me. I’ll even do private speeches, although holding eye contact with one person for that long is going to weird both of us out eventually. Now I hear you already, $10k is a hefty price tag, so what can you expect to get for your money? Well, just as a sampler:

                1) Professionalism. As a “respected” author and the head of a company, you can be sure I’ll treat your time like it’s my very own. And since it’s my time, I’ll be sure to embody that Drew Hayes spirit you’re expecting. A lot of authors would put on a mask of normalcy to try and blend in, but not me. I’ll arrive as every bit of the bumbling shitshow you’re expecting. Late is a given, or early but with a bunch of strangers and a bottle of booze insisting on doing shots of before we kick things off. Cursing will be ample and creative, paired delightfully with a child-like lack of attention that flits between topics as quickly as they enter my head. You paid for the Drew Hayes experience, and as a professional that’s what I’ll provide.

                2) Audience Engagement. We’ve all been to a speech that droned on and on, with the listeners soon pulling out their phones or day-dreaming. Well none of that at a Drew Hayes speech. First off, my entire presentation will be a drinking game. The audience will all be given beers or wine (provided by you) and instructed to take a swig every time I satisfy an arbitrary condition. Don’t worry, I’m not cutting you, the organizer, out of the fun; you’ll get to choose what the condition is! Make it something relative to the topic or just your company’s name, I’ll find a way to shoehorn that bastard in as often as possible. There’s no way to keep attention like tying it to hooch.

                Beyond just the game though, many segments of my speech will call members of the audience onto the stage with me, making sure they stay engaged. The Jello-Fight is always a classic. Don’t worry, all genders and body-types are welcome in the Jello pit; it’s not about sex, it’s an illustration of proper communication processes. How? You’ll have to see for yourself in person!

                3) Expertise. When it comes to publishing, the entire system is in seemingly constant upheaval. No one knows for sure what sells anymore, big name authors are going indie while indie authors clamor for traditional publishing contracts, and the only thing people can seem to agree on is that Amazon has a scary amount of market share. And let me tell you, I know something about knowing nothing. I can wax on for hours as needed without actually saying much of anything. You’ll be hard pressed to find an author better at droning on for as long as needed without having any real content to convey. Will I spend an hour talking about my favorite TV shows from ten years ago? You’re damn right I will, and I’ll probably even work in the cue to drink a few dozen times. If you can’t say something informative, and saying something incorrect would be detrimental to those listening, isn’t conveying nothing really the best case scenario?

                4) Dedication. A lot of authors would take the upfront payment, show up to the gig wildly drunk, and accept it when they were turned away. Not this guy. You paid for a speech, and you’re getting one. I may have to bust into the building through a clever disguise (or sprinting) and use a PA system to reach the masses, but I knew what this job demanded when I took it. And sure, the cops might taser me until I pee to make me release the microphone, however I will go down slurring out the last bits of wisdom I can until the final volt renders me unconscious. That’s the sort of steadfast dedication you’re getting when you book a Drew Hayes speech.

                5) Action. Sometimes when I’m drunk I get confused by the stage curtains and try to fight them. Just let it play out, it’s a nice break in the flow for the audience and I’ve been told it’s an entertaining show to watch. One of these days I’ll actually win too, and that will make for an all the more amazing event.

                6) Spectacle. The Keg-Relay is a classic closer to any speech, and I like to think I’ve really elevated it to an art form. Listeners will have a chance to compete, adding a level of friendly comradery to the event, at least until I tell them you’ve promised the winner $10,000 of their own. Don’t worry, you don’t have to pay that, it will really be their own fault if they believe me by that point. Some will, however, and that should send them into overdrive to clutch those sweet greens in their own hands. Be ready to see the most ruthless, ambitious Keg-Relay you’ve ever experienced. At the end, I’ll talk to the audience about how forgetting team work and focusing only on themselves ultimately made things harder on all of those competing. Or, if one person dominates, I’ll just tell them all to follow whatever that person says. They’ve clearly got their shit together.

                7) Sustainability. If you book a normal speaker, they’ll do their spiel, take their check, and that’s it. But when you book Drew Hayes, no one knows what the hell will be said, me included. That means you can have me speak as many times as you like with a virtual guarantee that the experience will be unique at each presentation. Every meeting you need to fill can be handled just by tossing me a check, and as the company’s event coordinator won’t that make things easier on you? I may not be great, but I’m easy to get, and that’s something.

                Booking can be made by reaching out to my secretary, who is also me, at NovelistDrew@gmail.com. Please allow at least a couple of weeks of notice so I can properly prime my liver and plan out how to cram as many drinking cues into the speech as possible. I look forward to working with all of you!