Drew's Hurricane Survival Guide

In honor of the Gulf of Mexico's first tropical storm I've decided to share my patented Drew's Hurricane Survival Guide. It is a step by step process for making sure you survive even the deadliest storms. Enjoy:

Step #1: Is the storm strong enough to require evacuation? If yes, Run. If no proceed to Step #2.

Step #2: Is the storm strong enough to use as an excuse to ditch work and "evacuate"? If so, Travel, if not, proceed to Step #3.

Step #3: Getting around will be difficult, so stock up on essentials. Food, water, beer, liquor, mixers, movies, toilet paper, batteries...look do I have to spoon-feed you this? Hoard you bastard, hoard before someone else gets it all!

Step #4: Gather friends in safe, central location with supplies.

Step #5: Fucking Party.

Step #6: Tell everyone how you're totally not drunk, you're just so happy to be alive you're slurring. Mention to Jim/Stacey how they have always been your best friend and you like, totally love them, man.

Step #7: Puke.

Step #8: Rally.

Step #9: Order a pizza. Sure it's  50 mph winds and raining like hell, but the delivery boy knew the risks when he made the poor life decisions that led him to this job. Besides, pepperoni just sounds Fucking Amazing Right Now.

Step #10: Punch Jim/Stacey right in his/her smug fucking face. You've always secretly hated that asshole/asshole.

Step #11: Pass out. (Company is optional).

Step #12: Wake up and check if it's still raining. No? Still muggy out? Nope? Is that a cloud? Yeah, that's totally a cloud. Good enough. Repeat Steps #5 - #11 until no longer viable.

Drew HayesComment