This week, our source inside Thunder Pear Publishing (definitely not Grant, for sure) has leaked an internal document we’ve never seen before: his Orientation Letter. Very few of these make it out of the company, because… well, you’ll see. Regardless, we appreciate his sacrifice, and are thrilled to share this rare behind the scenes peek at the inner workings of a company that potential investors have called “a trash fire that has come to live and is determined to burn down the world” and “not a good investment.” Enjoy!
Welcome to Thunder Pear Publishing, the world’s drunkest publisher for three years running (suck it Random House!) and purveyor of fine fiction in multiple formats. If you’re reading this, then you’re one of the lucky few to make it through our grueling interviews, assessments, and keggers to prove you have what it takes to work here. Someone from HR will guide you through the office and show you to your department, but first, there are some essential ground rules you’ll need to know in order to safely navigate the Thunder Pear Publishing facilities.
1) Thunder Pear Publishing accepts no liability for any injuries, be they mental, physical, or spiritual, incurred on their property. This includes, but is not limited to: liver damage, bite marks, poisoning (alcoholic and normal), possession by ghost, assault by ghost, insult by ghost (our ghost is kind of a dick), mental fatigue, soul-displacement, stubbed toes, and dimensional transfer.
2) Battle Karaoke is strictly optional, despite what others will try to convince you. Subterfuge and trickery are two well-honed weapons in our ongoing fight, so be wary of anything others tell you beyond this point. Oh, the one exception is, of course, the Golden Microphone. Should you be presented with that item, you are forced to participate at the next tournament, but victory will allow you to claim ownership of the Golden Microphone. Failure, however, will result in trashcan punch.
3) Thunder Pear Publishing defines “trashcan punch” to be random liquors thrown into a (cleaned, we won that right in a prior Battle Karaoke tournament) plastic bin and stirred no more than four times. Or whatever is in Mr. Hayes’ coffee cup at any given moment. The proof of such concoctions will be variable, and should a sip accidentally dissolve the inner linings of your stomach, please refer back to Point 1 on your Orientation Letter.
4) Thunder Pear Publishing is not a drug free workplace. Much like restaurants, bars, and particle physics labs, we know the kind of talent we attract and are fully aware that a random drug screening would likely see us firing 90% of our staff. However, since “the man” is still a fucking buzzkill (Mr. Hayes’ words), we do ask that you at least give the company reasonable deniability. Smoke on the outdoor patio, and if you’re going to down mysterious substances in the bathroom, at least do it in a stall so no one has to walk in on you at a sink. Also, should you take hallucinogens, please don the inflated water wings available by every elevator. It’s not about judgement, it’s about figuring out who we’re actually talking too and who is having the same conversation with a nine-headed imaginary dog named Fluffer-Nutter.
5) Snitches get Stiches. But aside from our Quidditch equipment policy, don’t narc on your co-workers. After a few months working here, you might very well be the one who needs a mind-altering day off.
6) The hot tubs on Floor 3 are open to all for use 24/7, except from 3 am – 4 am every morning when they undergo regular maintenance. We understand that this is inconvenient for those pulling all-nighters who need some relief, but trust us when we say you do not want a cleaning session skipped on these. Again, they are open to the whole office, and you know what kind of people we hire here. I mean, look at yourself. Would you get into an uncleaned hot tub a whole building full of you has been in? We thought not.
7) The champagne hot tubs on Floor 7 are only accessible to senior staff, anyone who currently holds a title within the company no lower than Baron, and of course anyone who wins executive rights for the quarter by completing Mr. Hayes’ Triple Threat Power Hours. These events are a quarterly gathering where Mr. Hayes holds three Power Hours back to back. As a newcomer, you’ll no doubt want to participate, but heed this piece of advice first: bring a large bucket. Vomit is a very real concern, and attempting so many Power Hours in a row is tempting fate. Also, you’ll be pounding liquid for 3 hours so… yeah, just have the bucket on hand to be safe. Our cleaning staff cannot stress that enough.
8) Any door marked with a red “H” indicates that inside is an employee or entity who requires no less than 3 years and a full certification in the mystical arts to deal with properly. Please do not attempt to enter these doors on your own without the aforementioned training, unless you are in the care of a senior staff member. The doors marked with a slightly lighter shade of red “H”, however, contain free food and liquor, as well as the chance to advance your career. Also, the “H” doors will randomly change during the night, so there’s no use trying to remember which is which. We have asked Mr. Hayes repeatedly about giving more distinction between the shades of red, but his reply is a resounding “No risk, no reward” so it is what it is.
9) Throughout the year, there will be regular office events. While these are meant to be fun for employees, please keep in mind that some level of coordination and self-control is necessary, so heed any missives sent out by the HR department in regards to what rules and expectations apply at each particular event. That said, should Mr. Hayes suddenly scream something that contradicts information given in an HR memo, default to assuming that Mr. Hayes is correct. Since it is his company, only he ultimately decides what constitutes an infraction of the company rules. Our investors have tried to discuss this with him; however none of the board has been able to out keg-stand Mr. Hayes, meaning they weren’t able to officially speak at any of the board meetings thus far.
10) Finally, please remember that Thunder Pear Publishing is a unique company, one with its own sets of challenges, metrics, and methods of advancement. It will be a confusing first few days for you, but if you survive and keep showing up, you may find it to be just the fit you were looking for. Additionally, at any time after your first month of working here, you may present this letter to an HR employee to be granted a week of executive privileges. Mr. Hayes likes all of his dedicated employees to experience what lies further up the corporate ladder in hopes of keeping turnover as low as possible, and Thunder Pear Publishing only promotes from within. Of course, that’s largely because no one without proper preparation would have a liver and spirit capable of surviving their first executive board meeting, but it still means there is ample room for advancement here.
We look forward to working with you, and hope you enjoy your tenure here at Thunder Pear Publishing! Now you should probably hide under the desk, the HR representative coming to pick you up will likely be armed with either a confetti or tequila canon.
-From the desk of Carol Dempsy, Thunder Pear Publishing HR Coordinator and Halloween Liaison.