Thunder Pear Publishing: Office Policies
Being the lone employee of a company is often pretty freaking rad. I take my lunch breaks whenever I want, no one complains if I get too drunk at the company Christmas party, and I’ve never gotten a sandwich stolen from the communal fridge. However, in an effort to make Thunder Pear Publishing a more respectable business, it’s been made clear to me that the office needs to have some rules and policies, just in case it ever becomes more than just me here. So, because damnit I want my company to be the best it can be, I have caved to pressure and created the Thunder Pear Publishing Office Etiquette and Policies.
1. Dress Code
All members of Thunder Pear Publishing must wear pants when in common areas. Prolly some kind of shirt too, like at least a tank-top. Shoes… I don’t give a fuck. I’m wearing flip-flops. If there’s ever another employee here, they can do the same, or go barefoot, whatever. I’m from the south, I’ve known a lot of people who’d rather have a root canal than put on foot coverings.
No CROCs though. This place does have some fucking standards.
2. Drugs Use
This office has a very firm No Drug policy. I mean, we’re not drug-testing anyone, do you know how much those damn things cost? Besides, what you do in your own home is your business. But at Thunder Pear Publishing, there are no drugs whatsoever allowed on site.
Amendment: My legal officer (who is also me) just informed me that alcohol is technically considered a drug. So, um, sort of forget what I said above. Thunder Pear Publishing is an office where we don’t ask any questions, but you can at least try to be sneaky about it. Take smoke breaks, hide your hooch in a coffee cup, just put forth enough effort to give the company plausible deniability. Is that too much to ask?
I’d like to tell you all that safety is job #1 here at Thunder Pear Publishing, but that would be a lie. Publishing is job #1 at Thunder Pear Publishing, because that’s how running a company works. You have to actually do the shit that makes the profit and pays the employees and etc. I mean, come on, that’s pretty much Business 101.
…Right! Safety! Ahem, safety is still something we take very seriously here, and in accordance with that Thunder Pear Publishing has a very firm safety policy: Don’t Do Dumb Shit. Trying to change a lightbulb that’s too high? Have someone hold the ladder, just like you would at home. Want to dig into the copy machine’s innards? Unplug that fucker first. Basically just avoid injury the same way you would at home, using sound judgement.
Or don’t, because the rest of our safety policy is making you sign a comprehensive waiver in your hiring contract. Shit, I wonder if we can make you pay us if you get hurt. I need to put legal on that.
4. Personal Hygiene
If I can smell you from more than three feet away, I’m spraying you with Febreeze. I don’t care if its cologne, perfume, or all-natural funk, you’re still getting spritzed by the bottle. It was good enough for my friend with anosmia, and it’s good enough for you. Plus that shit is non-toxic, so you’ll be fine.
The only exception to this will be people who have been recently cooking, and therefore smell like the meal they made. I have zero qualms with people walking around the office smell like pizza or cake. But popcorn people: you’re assholes and you know it. Unless you brought me a bag too, then we’re cool.
Um, I don’t know. Speak whatever language you want, as long as people understand you. I mean, all I know is English and enough Spanish to fake my way through a minor on the ole degree, so probably English for meetings with me, but otherwise why would I give a shit?
Amendment: Okay, so legal is telling me that’s supposed to be the policy on offensive language. Also, I’m starting to get a little concerned by how much I’m referring to myself as a separate department, especially since I don’t recall doing any of this research… anyway, language policy! Curse all you want, so long as the words aren’t directed hurtfully at other employees. Appliances are, of course, fair game. After all, that copy machine really is a bag of dicks.
6. Water Cooler
No replacing the water cooler with a jug of whiskey. I’m dead serious on this y’all. I know you think it’s funny, but it’s not, and it’s the kind of thing that people can, and will, be fired over. Do not test me on this one.
Thunder Pear Publishing is a vodka company, damnit, and if anyone wants to spike the water cooler, that is the liquor they will be using. Champagne is also acceptable, so long as you make the switch before 10 a.m. and slip a little orange juice in there too.
7. Retirement Policy
While Thunder Pear Publishing would love to offer shit like matching 401K or even a basic health plan, we’re a publishing company run by a half-drunk madman in a time where print media is going through a massive upheaval. Really, the fact that the doors were open today is nothing short of a fully-verified fucking miracle. Our retirement policy is that we’re just sacks of meat screaming through space on a hunk of rock that’s constantly trying to kill us. Retirement comes unexpectedly as the specter of potential death looms literally around every corner. Fuck your plans for what comes next, meet the day head on and smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em.
But, as per the office policy regarding drug use, please at least take ‘em outside to smoke ‘em.