Okay Grant, third time is the charm. I know you managed to save your job after sending the unedited memo (again) by winning the quarterly keg-relay and gaining a wish from Mr. Hayes, but you have got to get it together. Proof the memo, make the changes, and then send it to me. Just me, no one else. Who am I kidding, we both know this fucker is going to end up going wide, you incompetent little shit. Why do I stay here and put up with you insane people? Well, aside from the salary, benefits, generous vacation time, and permission to drink on the job. Speaking of… whoo! That is bad whiskey. Anyway, see if you can surprise us all and get it right this time.
Happy October everyone! I know this is a big time for us, we’ve all seen the crews setting up Halloween decorations in the office, and Mr. Hayes sneaking around, repositioning the skeletons to seem as though they are mid-coitus, so that can only mean that Halloween is on the horizon. While we will, of course, be having our annual Halloween party, despite the adamant protests of the city and its police force, today we need to discuss the more immediate Halloween project Mr. Hayes has committed us to. Thunder Pear Publishing will be creating a haunted house attraction to run on weekends through October, staffed by employees who want time-and-a-half as well as access to an open bar and substances I am not legally allowed to describe, but Mr. Hayes calls “tricky treats”. See if you can rephrase some of this, Grant. It’s obvious what we’re talking about, but that doesn’t quite convey how… unique some of the stock is. I didn’t even know hawks had glands that could secret a hallucinogen, let alone that it could be turned into ice cubes for cocktails.
Given those conditions, it’s no surprise that the sign-up sheet has already been largely filled. However, we are obligated to remind you that this is still a work event, which means there are certain protocols and procedures that must be followed. Below is a list of the basics, expect more direction to come once you arrive for your chosen shift. We are giving you this part early to familiarize yourself with these core rules. And because no one shows up to these things sober or in the mood to listen. We once tried to hold a meeting at the start of an event, and let me tell you, I’ve never seen these people destroy a conference room faster. Not even the time our vodka delivery came late to the Easter party.
1) While the Thunder Pear Publishing dress code is traditionally lax, especially where freedom of expression regarding costumes is concerned, please remember that this is an event open to the public, and as such we are legally required to adhere to all public decency laws. Charlie’s Snake Charmer costume is an example of one that, while demonstrating a tremendous amount of skill and bodily control, would not be appropriate for this event. Save the daring stuff for the Halloween party!
2) Candy will be kept in plastic blue pails spread throughout the haunted house to be given or thrown at guests as they make their way through the building. Please do not pelt, or otherwise try to injure our guests, regardless of how “in character” it feels within the moment. Litigation from our spring juggling musical is still pending, and Mr. Hayes has a very firm policy of only dealing with one court case at a time.
3) “Candy” will be in orange pumpkin buckets and spread throughout the haunted house. Please do not mix this up with the items in the blue pails, as these are being provided strictly for the employees. Giving them out to the public would not only be incredibly illegal, but vastly expensive. Grant, tighten this a little to make sure it’s not giving away what the “candy” is in case the memo ends up in another pile of evidence. Also, I saw you’re signed up to work the haunted house, so a word of warning: don’t touch the pumpkin bucket candy until you’re almost done with your shift, and only if you have a ride home. Sara tried one yesterday and spent the rest of the afternoon yelling at a lamppost for being a shitty father.
4) The Thunder Pear Publishing Law of Challenge will be suspended during the haunted house. We cannot have our employees leaving their stations to settle every grievance that arises when guests are coming through. Grant, since you’ve been in and out over the year, you may not know this part. All Thunder Pear Publishing employees have the right to settle disagreements by invoking the Rite of Challenge, whereby they spin the sacred wheel to determine a game of battle, with the winner getting their way. As you can imagine, everything on the wheel is at least a drinking game. Mr. Hayes has agreed to provide extra time on Monday mornings for all accumulated challenges to be sorted at the top of the workweek. Popcorn will be provided for spectators.
5) Although Mr. Hayes appreciates the level of dedication many of you are putting into your respective rooms, we would like to remind you that this is meant to scare guests only on a superficial level. Vampires, monsters, mummies, and the like are all perfectly acceptable themes to build a room around. Existential dread, the knowledge that the universe is a vast uncaring expanse of constant death, and the fact that virtually no one realizes their dreams or finds fulfillment are concepts better left for guests to discover on their own through life. Those are the kind of terrors that don’t go away, and if our guests stay scared then they won’t need to come back next year.
6) The goal of a haunted house is not, despite what some circulating emails have claimed, to make as many guests as possible soil themselves. It is especially not a goal that should be attempted through the use of laxative mist, sonic brown notes, or hexes, as many of you have planned. We are there to scare our guests only; the state of their bowel upon exit should be none of our concern. The rumors that Mr. Hayes has a reward planned for whoever makes the most people poop their pants are patently false and unfounded; we are certainly not saying that just to give HR some kind of edge in the competition. Grant, see if you can make this a little less… obvious, I suppose?
7) We are aware that some of our employees believe this Halloween season will bring the emergence of Horgorilth, the hungry beast who hides behind the moon. While Thunder Pear Publishing respects the rights and beliefs of its employees, we do ask that any ceremonial nude blood bathing be done in your own homes, or at least with the use of proper plastic lining to prevent office staining. We would greatly like to avoid a repeat of the supposed rising of Thristicort on Saint Patrick’s Day. Break Room 2 still has the lingering odor, and the ghost is so displeased we’ve had to move up to three bottles of booze per week to appease it.
8) Lastly, all employees wishing to utilize pyrotechnics in their respective rooms must gain clearance to do so. Mr. Hayes has hired outside specialists to make sure that every use of fire is “rad as fucking shit” before showing it to the public. When pressed, he added, “oh yeah, some bullshit about safety too” which is as close as we are going to get to a call for safety from him. Requests for pyrotechnic approval can be made by contacting HR, or going to the roof and playing metal music until someone arrives, just as we do for conference calls.
More information still to come, but let’s all work together to make an amazing haunted house for everyone involved! And the guests too, I guess. Grant, maybe chop that last line. Eh, who am I kidding, I doubt you even read this shit. Whatever. Time to get more terrible whiskey. Those Horgorilth people are making some good points, so maybe it’s better to party while we can.
-From the desk of Carol Dempsy, Thunder Pear Publishing HR Coordinator and Halloween Liaison.