As many of you know, Thunder Pear Publishing is a… unique company, which is to say one that experiences challenges and accomplishments differently than most major corporations. One would be hard-pressed to locate another publisher where drinking games are incorporated into all key business meetings, or where employees will settle departmental disputes via confetti cannon duels. Most of you don’t know me, however, despite having been here since nearly the start. My name is… never mind that, you prying fuck. What’s it say on my business cards? Oh, right, Percival Q. Anonymous, but if you see me in the halls (good luck), feel free to shorten it to Mr. Percival.
I am employed as the Thunder Pear Publishing “fixer”, and while I love my job, things have gotten more complicated in the last few years. With Mr. Hayes’ implied permission, although nothing that would hold up in court just as I taught him, I’ve been allowed to write a direct missive to all current employees in hopes of making my job, and the company’s running as a whole, go smoother. You’re probably surprised, having found it on your pet’s collar or under your favorite bottle of booze, but in this company we don’t leave digital trails. Be sure you burn yours afterward, and definitely do not let any of these leak onto the internet like all those memos from HR.
But I digress. There’s a point to this message, and its thesis is simply this: Either stop doing so much illegal shit, or put in a modicum of effort covering it up. To drill down into specifics, let’s take last weekend for example. Several employees decorated bikes like parade dragons, stuck the names of different manuscripts on each, and had a demolition derby until only one dragon was left standing to determine what book we would option. All perfectly fine, except that they held the event during a bike race, and used the other riders as fodder in the derby. Let me tell you, getting all the evidence from that scene so it didn’t tie back to us was no small task. That reminds me: Sara, you left your driver’s license at the location. Pick it up at the front desk on Monday.
This was a single example, mind you. These are the sorts of things I deal with daily. For those wondering if this message applies to you, I’m going to attach a few more suggestions and examples to make sure my point is properly being conveyed. Things such as:
-Keeping in-house jokes actually in-house. Last August, when lighting one another’s desk on fire was the prank du jour, it was just a matter of bribing the people who oversee the fire department to get past the fine. Then an employee decided to take it out of these doors and torch the counter of a local barista. To be fair, he was shorting you all in those mixed drinks, so Mr. Hayes opted to let it go, but there were far better ways to deal with the situation than lighter fluid and a hastily thrown match. Did you learn nothing from our last Earth Day Open Flame Jamboree?
-Kill more pragmatically. Listen, I get it. A salesperson sneaks their way into the office, you show them to the special elevator that drops people into the furnace, no problem. It’s company policy, and honestly if they ignored all the warning signs about solicitors and death in the lobby it’s really on them. Where we get into trouble is when some of you decide to get a little creative with the process. People using toasters, letter-openers, even a sandwich in one instance, to vent frustration before tossing them down the elevator shaft. The problem is, someone still has to deal with all the blood and other evidence now adorning the break room, and that someone is me. To be fair, this particular issue has decreased substantially since we transferred out the sociopath/vengeance department to an off-site location, but a few of you are still towing the line and it serves as a fine example regardless.
-Make some effort toward discretion. We all know Thunder Pear Publishing is a workplace that doesn’t harp too hard on things like substance abuse. Technically speaking, the only substances specifically banned from being on company grounds are sweet potatoes, because Mr. Hayes considers their taste a crime against humanity and all known gods. However, that doesn’t mean laws don’t still exist. Granted, whoever got the idea to sell shroom King Cakes during Mardi Gras did help account for our most profitable quarter ever, but generally speaking hocking illicit substances on the street is considered a no-no. We had to bribe a lot of people to skate by on that one.
-Minimize dealing with extra-dimensional entities. Sooner or later, every Thunder Pear Publishing employee tries to use one of the magical doorways or hidden runes to summon a being from beyond the mortal realm and advance their career. That’s fine, it’s part of our quarterly review and advancement system, so Mr. Hayes certainly wouldn’t want me telling you not to do that. My request is simply that you limit those occasions to when they are purely necessary. Not to name names, but we’ve had instances of people making summons and sacrifices for things not company related. Also, one of the creatures of forgotten stares and screaming laughter had a message for me to pass on: Stop trying to bring back Firefly. They used all their clout on the movie, and now their hands are tied. Go figure, Hollywood has access to better monsters than us.
-Lastly, please keep our feuds with the nearby businesses in reason. Building an annoying paper arch with streamers over the entrance to Sam Goody, perfectly fine. Gas-lighting the man who runs the grocery/shoe store, Whole Soles, into thinking he’s slowly turning into a werewolf, that’s taking things a bit far. Although whoever drained that deer carcass and left it in his bed, come see me on Monday. We might have a better position to offer someone with those skills. The point is, keep the darker stuff in-house. If they wanted to live like that, they’d apply during our annual hiring fair. On a side-note: how is there still a Sam Goody open, let alone one on this block? Did somebody waste a blood-storm ritual?
You all have my thanks in advance for your cooperation. Remember, all “fixer” services are provided at the discretion of Thunder Pear Publishing and can be revoked if they are deemed to be abused. Except emergency beer runs. The right to that one is in your employment contract.
-Percival Q. Anonymous, Vice President of [REDACTED] in charge of [REDACTED].