DrahnkenGuyden’s Tome of Magic: Volume 1

                Gather round, ye tulip-livered adventurers, and close the door behind you. Those winds are getting icy, and I’ve yet to light the night’s fire. I’m surprised you made it this far. Past the slithering swamps, around the chomping maws, and through the forest of lightning trees. Not many can come to peruse my wares, so you must be capable, or fortunate.

                It’s the magic you seek, no doubt. Sure, the standards like Mage Hand and Fireball are well and good, but you’ll be wanting something outside the box. A little more madness in your magic, a touch of the unexpected. That’s what got me booted from the mage’s guild, you know. Sure, everyone’s all about experimentation and testing the limits of our knowledge, but you summon one elder nightmare from behind the stars during dinner and suddenly you’re a “reckless liability.” Cowards.

                Browse to your heart’s content, just be warned. With magic like this, it’s reading you as much as you’re reading it.


I Blame it Ale on the Rain
Casting Time: 1 Action
Range: 200 Feet
Spell Level: 1

This bar sucks. Cut me off? Fuck you, nobody tells me when I’m done. I’ll show those bastards. Let’s see how they like it when the whole town is drinking for free!

I Blame it Ale on the Rain (IBAR) summons forth a modest brew from the drippings of the heavens. For 10 minutes, a forty-foot radius cloud appears overhead, dumping ale continuously. If contained, this generates 500 gallons per minute, however the ale only persists for 1 hour after the spell ends, making it inefficient for large-scale production.

Casting this at a higher level spell slot increases the duration by 10 minutes per spell level.

Creatures who ingest the ale will find it pleasant, but not that great, as it is the fantasy equivalent of having domestic brands on tap. Still, it’ll get you drunk. While the beer itself will vanish after 1 hour, the effects will persist. Anything soaked by the beer remains damp, though not alcoholic, and those who’ve drunk it remain intoxicated.

You should also be careful casting this in larger cities and kingdoms. Bars tend to be pissy about people giving away the goods they sell for free, to say nothing of the general disarray that descends when the skies start showering everyone in hooch. Additionally, this spell is banned in at least one major kingdom after the creator used it to create a makeshift flood. Which one is going to be something you’ll have to discover on your own.


Mage Shoes
Casting Time: 1 Action
Range: Self
Spell Level: 1

 Fuck fuck fuuuuuuuck! How did I not see the Mama dragon? Come on legs, you miserable little shits, get us the hell out of here now!

The nature of the mage is one of power and frailty. We control the very forces of creation, however few of us have used those forces to work on cardio or do lots of pull-ups, making our bodies substantially squishier than our meat-headed compatriots. Occasionally, that means sending a spell in the wrong direction, getting in a fight far out of your league, and that’s when Mage Shoes shines best.

After casting, a pair of magical boots appear on your feet, shaped and styled to your tastes. For 1 minute you may take the Dash action as a bonus action on your turn. This bonus applies to all forms of movement available, be they natural or magical, as you hurl mana haphazardly into your body in a desperate bid for escape.

The shoes do not emit enough light to see with, however they will stand out in darker areas, making them ill-suited to sneaking. All Stealth checks in low-light or worse rolled by a character in Mage Shoes have disadvantage. This spell’s timeline does not scale with level, as if you can’t get away in a minute, you’re probably either already eaten or using this magic wrong.


World Shatter
Casting Time: 1 minute
Range: Planet
Spell Level: 9+

At last, vengeance is at hand. They laughed, mocked my talents, feared my ideas, but now they will see that I was the true revolutionary of magic!

The time has come to settle all the old scores, pay back the long-lingering debts. You’ve gathered the five ancient-


                Whoops! You’re not supposed to see that one. Too advanced, you understand. Let’s get you something more level appropriate.


Status Switch
Casting Time: 1 Action
Concentration Required
Range: 60 feet
Spell Level: 1

I’ll admit, slipping the poison in my drink was a smart move, didn’t see that coming. Too bad you used such a potent one, though. Looks like you didn’t have the fortitude to survive it either. Now if you don’t mind, going to reach over your corpse and grab another chicken leg. Eh, who am I kidding, I don’t give a shit if you mind.

Sometimes, even the mightiest of mage is brought low by (shudder) mundane methods. Or, another caster has inflicted us with a proper deadly inconvenience. On such occasions, what is a spell-caster to do, merely allow nature to take it’s course?

Certainly not! Status Switch will temporarily switch all status effects with another character in range. If the creature is willing, the spell automatically succeeds. Non-willing creatures have a Wisdom save to resist, however they are still vulnerable in future rounds.

 Should a character die while in this state, the status effects on them die as well. This means if you gave your poisoned status to some uppity rogue who was monologuing about their successful assassination, and they died, when the spell ends the poison status does not return. However, any status effects taken from the other creature (harmful or beneficial) end when the spell does.

Casting this at a higher level spell slot increases the duration by 1 minute per spell level.


                Fun stuff, right? Should liven things up nicely in your routine little lives. Now then, let’s settle in and have a discussion about price. Because magic always has a price, and I prefer if someone else pays it. Tell me, how open are you to a little… alchemic testing? Left something in your horse? That doesn’t even make sense. Where are you going? Don’t use Mage Shoes you fucker!

                Damnit. I gotta stop showing people that one.