The Worst Speaker Money Can Buy

                Here at Thunder Pear Publishing, we know that diversification is the best way to stay afloat in the shifting market of the publishing world. While once it was enough to simply write books, now multi-media efforts like podcasts and videos of binge drinking are necessary to keep the lights on. It is in this spirit of entrepreneurial adventure that we proudly present the newest offering: the ability to book me, Drew Hayes, for private speaking engagements. Yes, for the low price of only $10,000 (plus all travel and booze expenses) you too can sit in rapt silence as I tell you the harrowing story of how I wrote dick jokes until they were able to cover the rent. If you are a fellow publisher, I’m happy to share my litany of insights into the industry, but rest assured that I can speak to any company or group willing to have me. I’ll even do private speeches, although holding eye contact with one person for that long is going to weird both of us out eventually. Now I hear you already, $10k is a hefty price tag, so what can you expect to get for your money? Well, just as a sampler:

                1) Professionalism. As a “respected” author and the head of a company, you can be sure I’ll treat your time like it’s my very own. And since it’s my time, I’ll be sure to embody that Drew Hayes spirit you’re expecting. A lot of authors would put on a mask of normalcy to try and blend in, but not me. I’ll arrive as every bit of the bumbling shitshow you’re expecting. Late is a given, or early but with a bunch of strangers and a bottle of booze insisting on doing shots of before we kick things off. Cursing will be ample and creative, paired delightfully with a child-like lack of attention that flits between topics as quickly as they enter my head. You paid for the Drew Hayes experience, and as a professional that’s what I’ll provide.

                2) Audience Engagement. We’ve all been to a speech that droned on and on, with the listeners soon pulling out their phones or day-dreaming. Well none of that at a Drew Hayes speech. First off, my entire presentation will be a drinking game. The audience will all be given beers or wine (provided by you) and instructed to take a swig every time I satisfy an arbitrary condition. Don’t worry, I’m not cutting you, the organizer, out of the fun; you’ll get to choose what the condition is! Make it something relative to the topic or just your company’s name, I’ll find a way to shoehorn that bastard in as often as possible. There’s no way to keep attention like tying it to hooch.

                Beyond just the game though, many segments of my speech will call members of the audience onto the stage with me, making sure they stay engaged. The Jello-Fight is always a classic. Don’t worry, all genders and body-types are welcome in the Jello pit; it’s not about sex, it’s an illustration of proper communication processes. How? You’ll have to see for yourself in person!

                3) Expertise. When it comes to publishing, the entire system is in seemingly constant upheaval. No one knows for sure what sells anymore, big name authors are going indie while indie authors clamor for traditional publishing contracts, and the only thing people can seem to agree on is that Amazon has a scary amount of market share. And let me tell you, I know something about knowing nothing. I can wax on for hours as needed without actually saying much of anything. You’ll be hard pressed to find an author better at droning on for as long as needed without having any real content to convey. Will I spend an hour talking about my favorite TV shows from ten years ago? You’re damn right I will, and I’ll probably even work in the cue to drink a few dozen times. If you can’t say something informative, and saying something incorrect would be detrimental to those listening, isn’t conveying nothing really the best case scenario?

                4) Dedication. A lot of authors would take the upfront payment, show up to the gig wildly drunk, and accept it when they were turned away. Not this guy. You paid for a speech, and you’re getting one. I may have to bust into the building through a clever disguise (or sprinting) and use a PA system to reach the masses, but I knew what this job demanded when I took it. And sure, the cops might taser me until I pee to make me release the microphone, however I will go down slurring out the last bits of wisdom I can until the final volt renders me unconscious. That’s the sort of steadfast dedication you’re getting when you book a Drew Hayes speech.

                5) Action. Sometimes when I’m drunk I get confused by the stage curtains and try to fight them. Just let it play out, it’s a nice break in the flow for the audience and I’ve been told it’s an entertaining show to watch. One of these days I’ll actually win too, and that will make for an all the more amazing event.

                6) Spectacle. The Keg-Relay is a classic closer to any speech, and I like to think I’ve really elevated it to an art form. Listeners will have a chance to compete, adding a level of friendly comradery to the event, at least until I tell them you’ve promised the winner $10,000 of their own. Don’t worry, you don’t have to pay that, it will really be their own fault if they believe me by that point. Some will, however, and that should send them into overdrive to clutch those sweet greens in their own hands. Be ready to see the most ruthless, ambitious Keg-Relay you’ve ever experienced. At the end, I’ll talk to the audience about how forgetting team work and focusing only on themselves ultimately made things harder on all of those competing. Or, if one person dominates, I’ll just tell them all to follow whatever that person says. They’ve clearly got their shit together.

                7) Sustainability. If you book a normal speaker, they’ll do their spiel, take their check, and that’s it. But when you book Drew Hayes, no one knows what the hell will be said, me included. That means you can have me speak as many times as you like with a virtual guarantee that the experience will be unique at each presentation. Every meeting you need to fill can be handled just by tossing me a check, and as the company’s event coordinator won’t that make things easier on you? I may not be great, but I’m easy to get, and that’s something.

                Booking can be made by reaching out to my secretary, who is also me, at NovelistDrew@gmail.com. Please allow at least a couple of weeks of notice so I can properly prime my liver and plan out how to cram as many drinking cues into the speech as possible. I look forward to working with all of you!