As we enter November, the thoughts of the nation turn to turkey, family, and, of course, elections. Not those wimpy mid-terms we just passed, either. I’m talking about the big enchilada of all voting times: the presidency. Now I know some of you may think this is a bit early, but I’m a firm believer that you can never start working too soon on the things you want. So, with that said, I would like to officially announce my candidacy for president of the United States… in the 2020 election. That’s right, I’m commencing the campaign 6 years before you can vote, because that’s the sort of leader I intend to be: idealistic and wildly impractical.
“But Drew,” I can hear you saying through the internet. Before you can finish your question I hold up my finger to stop you. “Doctor Ambassador Hayes, if you don’t mind.”
“You are neither of those things,” you aptly point out.
“Ah, but you’re talking to 2020 me, I expect to be named to a few positions and get some honorary degrees before then,” I remind you, my tone compassionate, yet thick with authority.
“What the fuck ever,” you say. “If you’re going to talk about being president, you should at least throw out a platform.”
And right you are, imaginary internet voice that may or may not be a manifestation of a disturbed psyche, right you are. Thus, in the spirit of honesty and disclosure that I hope will define my four consecutive terms of presidency, here is my campaign platform:
Party: I will be running under the Party Party, which professes the belief that people need to chill the fuck out and have a beer. We are a strong, working class party that simply wants to unwind after a hard day of work, maybe by watching some television, maybe by doing Jager-Bombs. All inter-party issues are decided by vote, and any votes that end in a tie are decided by keg-relay.
Vice-President: As some of you might have been able to guess by my party, the Party Party, I will seek to nominate Andrew W.K. as my running mate. I realize some people may be worried that two white heterosexual males do not represent diversity, and want to take this moment to assure you that neither my proposed running mate nor I see things such as race or gender. We merely identify you by the alcohol you drink and your favorite snacks, so we can have plenty of both on hand when you come hang out at the White House.
And now, the part I’m sure many of you were waiting for since the beginning… my campaign promises!
1. I swear to show up wildly drunk to any meeting which I think will be even remotely boring. Should a fellow meeting attendee attempt to call me out on my ludicrous intoxication, I will immediately flip the conference table over and challenge them to a wrasslin’ match. Should I be beaten, which would be doable since my motor skills will be nearly non-existent at this point, I will sit quietly for the remainder of the meeting as that attendee has earned my respect and cooperation.
2. Every cable/internet company, but especially Comcast, will A) No longer to be allowed to continue running their blatantly illegal cartel and B) Be required to add a “punch employee” option in place of their post interaction surveys. Each customer will decide if they feel the employee they dealt with deserves to be punched in the face, and then make a short case for it. If the request is valid then a representative will punch that employee in the face. Lest you think I am picking only on the low-level employees, however, their supervisor will also be punched in the face, as will their supervisor, and theirs, all the up to the CEO. This means the CEO will be punched each time one of their employees renders bad service. Additionally, any attempts by a CEO to leave their now punch-filled position before a three year term forfeits all severance and benefits. I predict a turnaround in customer service within months.
This may also be applied to the banking, or any other industry, as need. It will be called the Party Party Punch Proposal and it will be fucking awesome.
3. I will stake claim to anything the American people want by peeing on it. If, after I have peed on it, the country already in possession is not willing to turn it over to us, then I guess they really wanted it. Well played, hypothetical other countries.
4. Filibustering in Congress can no longer be done by simply threatening to do it. If you want to stall a bill, you have to cowboy up and plant your shoes to the floor and talk for as long you can hold out. However, the Party Party does recognize the right to use a kegstand to buy yourself five minutes to hit the pisser. We’re not animals here, after all.
5. Marriage licenses are available to anyone of appropriate age, regardless of gender or orientation, because fucking duh. However, they will cost $10,000 for any marriage where the couple is under 21. As this will make marriage cost prohibitive for many such couples, I expect to be able to re-invigorate the postal system just off all the thank-you cards I will receive from grateful 22 year olds that were spared their first divorce.
6. Pot will be legal. I don’t actually care that much about this one, but it will hopefully get some of my friends to finally shut the fuck up about it. Yes, I will shape national policy based on my desire to play a game of Smash Brothers and not hear about “the man.” Don’t judge me; you’d do the same damn thing.
7. No more gerrymandering. Independent auditors will be hired to break up congressional districts based solely on geography. At least two other sets of auditors will evaluate those districts to check for bias. Once the zones are set, that’s it. No one can change the damn things to suit the voting block they want to have. The only way those zones can be changed is if the proposing politician defeats the current heavy-weight boxing champion, or whoever the current King of Chess is (I don’t know the title for that, and I will not look it up). That last condition is mostly so every now and then the American people can get treated a good old fashioned ass-whuppin’, be it mental or physical.
8. The Designated Driver will be treated like rock stars at every club, bar, or other occasion where they forgo drinking to take care of their friends. They will have access to VIP areas, their clothes and hair will be checked over by specialists to make sure they look sweet as a Nutella cinnamon roll, and every employee there is required to bow to them. The DD is a wonderful thing, they save lives, and instead of making it role that gets pawned off on someone we need to exalt it until folks are fighting to fulfill it.
9. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson will officially be recognized as a historical landmark. The man has become as big as a mountain, it’s about time we honored him like one. Additionally, any WWF/WWE former superstars, current or former, will be welcomed onto my Secret Service staff with high ass pay and awesome benefits. I double fucking dare anyone to say it wouldn’t be awesome to watch a would-be assassin take a pile-driver in full-public view.
10. Lastly, as your president, I promise to enjoy the shit out of it. Seriously, it’s the coolest job in the world, and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to have fun while in there. We’re talking a waterslide that goes into a pool filled with champagne. Surprise keggers thrown in all corners of the nation. YouTube videos of me and my cabinet bungee jumping from a helicopter into someone’s back yard, dropping off an armful of chips, and then bungeeing back into the copter.
Oh, and don’t worry about the cost, I’m slashing Congress’s pay and using that to fund my various dumb shit. After all, I’m going to be a president of the people.
Vote Drew Hayes in 2020!