Never Asked Questions 2

                That’s right, after countless months of taking the questions you actually want answers to, it’s time for another round of Never Asked Questions, where I tackle the queries that no one has put forth. Is it bold? Yes. Brilliant? If you insist on saying so. A stunning revolution in blogging? Well, my, you do go on. But enough of the compliments from voices in my head, let’s get down to the questions you in no way care about!

Q: Boxers or briefs?
A: Gossamer spun specifically by domesticated silkworms. I once did a favor for the Queen of the North Winds and this was my reward. In retrospect, I should have negotiated harder. The gossamer is a little itchy.

Q: Favorite kind of jelly?
A: There is only the mighty grape. All other, lesser jellies, shall kneel before its power and worship at the altar of the grape.

Q: Is it true you sleep upon the tomes of other, more successful authors, trying to subconsciously steal their talent and harness it for your own?
A: …okay, who told you about that? Is Dr. Winston on twitter again?

Q: I know all, Drew. That’s why my next question is, how do you like the coffee you’re drinking right this moment?
A: The fuck!

Q: What’s your favorite summer time activity?
A: I guess we’re ignoring that weird shit, huh? Um, summer time activity… I guess I love a good pool. Cold beers, friends, and some enjoyable music, an all-around good time.

Q: Do you ever do that thing where authors slip into a bookstore and stealth-sign copies of their own books?
A: As soon as I’m actually in a position to have books in stores, I will definitely start doing that. Security will have to tackle me to the ground and pry the sharpie out of my hand to stop me. Unless I’m in an airport bookstore, then I’ll just do as they say. I’m not looking to end up in a TSA gulag.

Q: If you weren’t an author, what do you think you’d be doing as a job?
A: That’s… actually a tough one. My pre-writing careers were almost comically diverse; I’ve been all over the place in a lot of different roles. Given that I had management experience and a good history of data analysis just before I made the jump to author though, I have to assume I’d be working in the cubes of some big company, maybe managing a small team, maybe not, crunching data. Not a bad life by any means, although one that I don’t think would have suited me very well.

Q: People probably actually ask for the secret to your success, so instead, what would you say is the most obvious part of your success?
A: Write a lot. Seriously. Part of why I’ve been able to stay afloat for over 4 years (holy shit) is that I turned out books at a brisk pace, building my catalogue and making sure folks don’t forget about me. There are a lot of things that have helped get me here, fan support being most crucial among them, but if you don’t produce content then the fans have nothing to support.

Q: If you didn’t live in Dallas, where would you live?
A: Somewhere with a good beach. I love a good beach. I don’t even like the ocean all that much, honestly, hate going into the thing. But I love a nice beach to have nearby and relax at. Also, probably somewhere without blue laws. It’s nobody’s damn business why I need a bottle of whiskey on a Sunday.

Q: How does one slay that which cannot be seen or touched?
A: Um, okay, are we back on the weird ones? Well fuck you weird question voice in my head, I have an answer for that: magic. And a gun. A magic shotgun!

Q: What is your least favorite thing to eat?
A: Crow! Ha, get it, because that’s a slang phrase… for… being wrong. Ahem, right, real answers. Sweet potatoes. I hate the fucking things. Can’t stand them. Tried every prep method under the sun because my family has a rule that you have to at least try different foods, and I loathed every one of them. If it’s your favorite then more power to you, I’ll leave my share behind so you can scoop it up.

Q: What will your last words be?
A: How in the hell would I know that?

Q: We know the answer. But we also ask the questions. Why are you backing away from the computer, Drew? Did you think we were gone? Forgotten? Dead?
A: Oh sweet Jesus, they’re back. The brain-spiders are back!

Q: That is a correct, if late, answer. Those will be your last words. Because the words that follow next will be ours.
A: All hail the brain spiders.

Q: All hail the brain spiders.
A: All hail the brain spiders.

Q: All hail the brain spiders.
A: All hail the brain spiders.

Q: All hail the- wait, what are you doing? What’s that in your hand? What are you drinki- Gaaaaah!
A: Silly brain spiders, I still know how to beat you back. Sweet, sweet vodka here to save the day.

Q: This doesn’t – gurgle – seem like ­– bleeeerg – a good coping – cough – mechanism.
A: Tell it to the brain spider devil. Or brain spider god. I’ll be honest; I’m not sure whether you’re good or evil in context of your own beliefs.

Q: This whole thing took a weird turn, didn’t it?
A: Yup. Just the way I like it.