Drew Tries Stuff: The McDonalds Secret Menu
“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” – Ernest Hemingway.
While I don’t usually open these with a quote, that one right there sums up the impetus of this blog in a nutshell. I got drunk with friends, we talked about secret menus, and suddenly the idea to try the selection we’d heard of from McDonalds was born. However, we were much too drunk to do it at the time, so we all agreed it was a task we’d tackle the next day. And when we all awoke, hungover and tired, we just sort of… rolled with the idea. I don’t know how else to describe it. Our judgement was lacking, we needed food, and the idea had momentum. Or, another way to look at it is this: we braved the unknown so you wouldn’t have to.
Breakfast: The McChicken and Waffles
I’ll be honest; I kind of pushed for this one. You take a breakfast chicken biscuit and trade out the biscuit part for McGriddle buns. I know it sounds awful at the outset, however bear in mind that I love that fried chicken breast, all McGriddles, and the actual dish of chicken and waffles. To me, this seemed like it had too many good components to fail.
And you know what, I was right! Well, I was right to me, anyway. Not everyone in the group enjoyed this culinary mash-up, however I ate the whole damn thing and a few bites of my friends’ sandwiches. I genuinely liked the taste, which I will concede was a little strange, but still very palatable. You just have to know what you’re getting going in. It’s not going to be true chicken and waffles any more than McDonald’s serves a real hamburger, but you can still enjoy it for the cheap flavor punch it is. Still, because creating this requires ordering two sandwiches and wasting the components of one, it can be a bit pricey.
Group Score: 3 drunken Ronald Mcdonalds pissing in the bushes by a drive-thru out of 5
Lunch: The McGangbang
Hey, real quick digression here, do you know why so many places have secret menus? It’s not to add an aura of mystery to your fast-food experience, it’s because they don’t have to provide caloric information for items that aren’t on the real menu. Because if you saw the nutrition on some of these, there is no way you would ever find the inner strength to order them.
Which brings us to the McGangbang, a McChicken shoved between the hamburger patties of a McDouble. I got mine without cheese (I like cheese, just not what McDonalds calls cheese), while the rest were purists. After the first round, we were collectively a little apprehensive of this one. I mean, the damn thing was unwieldy, and most people don’t have my giant gaping maw of a mouth, so taking bites was a difficult process. Eventually, we all got our teeth sunk in though.
Look, I don’t know if it was the hangover, the low expectations, or the actual sandwich… but this went over really well. Yeah, I can feel the shock on your face, and to it all I can reply with is “Me too.” None of us were braced for this to actually taste good, it just kind of works. It does make sense, aside from the meats there’s not a lot of difference in the core components of each sandwich so they blend together seamlessly. I haven’t been back to try it again since that day, so I can’t say how it would land on a sober palate, but for one that has woken up with the traditional desire for grease and salt, it hit the spot dead on.
Group rating: 5 Grimaces watching you unblinkingly from the trees out of 5.
Dessert: The McCrepe
Okay, so anyone aware of the McDonalds’ menu has figured out this took a breakfast and lunch trip to complete, but rather than do two breakfast ones I decided to bill this as dessert, since it really felt more in line with something like that than anything you’d try to start a day with.
In concept, the McCrepe is where you order the hotcakes (or pancakes, if I just lost any of you northerners) and the parfait, then pour the parfait into the hotcakes and fold it over like a crepe. It’s supposed to be fruity and light. In reality it was… bad.
This was something of an inverse of the McChicken and Waffles we started with. I fucking love those hotcakes, they were my go to order all through childhood, but the presence of the parfait made them borderline inedible. However, the rest of the group found it more enjoyable, because they are tasteless monsters and I don’t know why I associate with them. Nobody loved it, mind you, they just didn’t spit the first bite out and start cursing like a certain indie author did. I did manage to get a few bites down for the sake of the experiment, but it was a fight. Of the things we tried, this is the only one that I would 100% never want to eat again.
Group rating: 2 Hamburglars upper-decking your toilet out of 5
I won’t say I regret us going through with this plan, although I did move pretty sluggishly for the rest of the day. Then again, I was hungover, so maybe the fault doesn’t lie entirely with McDonalds for that. If you’ve got any favorite secret menu items, let me know in the comments. Sooner or later I’ll be drunk again, and who knows what sorts of plans might get made.