Let's Guess What I'm Doing!

                For those of you who have been reading the blogs, listening to the announcements, or really just paying attention in any capacity, you know that right now (assuming you read this on release and not afterward like some crazy person) Future Drew, or FD when I feel lazy, is in New Orleans at CONtraflow. Well, he’s Future Drew to me, Present Drew to all of you… wow this got really complicated before we even left the first paragraph.

                Anyway, the point is that right now FD is in New Orleans, hanging out with the rest of the Authors & Dragons crowd, ready to have a ton of fun at this Con. And while reason, logic, and my fifth therapist all advise against it, I thought it might be fun to try and guess what that asshole is up to. Remember, he got in on Thursday night, which means he’s waking up either hungover as all hell or still drunk. Still sleeping is out, I can never sleep late even after a night of boozing. With those two caveats in place, it’s time for wild conjecture about what FD is up to!


1) After a night of drunken debauchery on Bourbon Street, FD has now woken up on a gambling boat slowly making its way up and down the Mississippi River. He’s realized that nearly all his cash has been used up, meaning he’s going to have to win enough money to pay for a ticket back to New Orleans in time. Maybe he befriends a down and out riverboat magician who teaches him the tricks to counting cards, besting others in a tournament of gambling before ultimately arriving back in New Orleans just in time for CONtraflow’s opening ceremonies. He leaves the riverboat richer in both heart and wallet, but stops off for just one drink on Bourbon to celebrate his victory. Two hours later, he arrives at the con in an elaborate chicken costume. No one knows where he got it, including him.


2) Future Drew has awoken to find himself surrounded by massive, dead-eyed creatures that stare at him from the endless shadows. He searches in vain for escape, but there is only more monsters at every turn. They stare at him, silent, huge, and looming. FD wonders if they are judging him. Perhaps he drank too much and passed away, and this horrifying space is where his final destination in the afterlife will be determined. Within a few hours, FD has set up an elaborate religion to these silent dead-eyed creatures, complete with prayer rituals and plans for a sacrifice, if he can ever find anything else living in the space. They are unmoved. FD wails and gnashes his teeth, and begins to wonder if perhaps his test is not to worship these monsters, but to best them. Just as he readies himself to attack, light floods the warehouse as a door outside is finally opened. Turns out FD had just gotten drunk and wandered into a storage warehouse for Mardi Gras floats. Realizing his mistake, he bolts out before anyone can find the hieroglyphics he smeared on the floor using feces.

Sidenote: I know this is all meant in silly fun, but holy crap I am not wrong about how creepy those storage areas look in the dark. That shit gave me nightmares for weeks as a kid.


3) FD went on a walking ghost tour and brought along some spirits (wink, nudge, wink) of his own. When nature called, he accidentally urinated on what he thought was a wall but was actually part of a gravestone. Having offended the lost souls of the graveyard, they yanked FD from his body and gave him only until the sun rose to earn his way back to the land of the living. Rather than messing with that bullshit, FD just pointed off to the side and yelled “Look over there!” and while the ghosts were distracted he jumped back into his body and ran like hell. Upside to dealing with old ghosts: tricks we all take for granted are still fresh to them. After that near miss, FD called it a night, only to find the ghosts waiting for him at the hotel. But then he woke up in a cold sweat, taking solace that it was just a dream. …or was it?

Yes, it was.



4) FD came into possession of an ancient trinket (he might have drunkenly robbed a voodoo shop) that makes his wishes come true, but with a terrrrrrible price. For example, midway through the night he ran out of booze, so he wished for more beer. And the trinket gave him beer, but it was (insert dramatic music here) a 30-pack of Keystone. Oh what warped depravity, truly only a monster could do such a thing. I mean, don’t get me wrong, FD still drank it. Beer is beer after all, and after the first ten you can’t even taste it that much. That was last night though, this morning he’s on the phone with some friends who practice law, trying to work out exact wording to make sure his next few wishes will have predictable and easily fixable bad consequences. What, you thought he’d throw it away? Fuck that shit, bad wishes are still worlds better than no wishes. He’s just got to put a little thought into what he says first. Oh… but he’s drinking mimosas while he takes these notes, so thinking is about to go out the window. Okay, if he accidentally does a wish that ends the world, that’s a bad call, he’ll take the blame for that one.


5) Future Drew is currently leading a parade through the streets of downtown New Orleans. He doesn’t remember how he got into this position, only that he’s holding a baton, people keep following him, there’s a brass band playing, and every time he holds a hand out someone slaps a beer into it. Slowly, FD will lead them through the city, drawing attention of local then national media as the parade swells in size, eventually winding its way to CONtraflow in time for Opening Ceremonies. FD will then, like the runner of the original marathon, keel over on the ground, his task complete. He won’t be dead though, he just needs like an hour, hour and a half power nap, then he’ll be up and good to go in time for festivities.


                Whichever of these futures, if any, occur (I’m betting on 2 personally) Future Drew will be at his panels and the Authors & Dragons table through the weekend, ready to say hello and shake the hands of all who make it. If you come up and ask, I’ll even tell you which prediction came true.

Dumb CrapDrew Hayes5 Comments