Fun Camp: A Summer Experience

                 I hated camp as a kid. Granted, I was never the especially outdoorsy type, in part thanks to dealing with Texas summers, but it would be unfair to put all of it on the weather. Point is, camp has always had the most minimal of appeals to me, only the chance to be around friends and away from parents ever got me to try any of them.

                But in recent years, camp has been getting an image makeover. The rise of Adult Summer Camps (as in fun and booze, not porn) have been catching my attention since their inception. They do look pretty cool, I can admit that, although I haven’t had the chance to actually try one out yet. However, they also seem to have a lot of the same issues I’ve seen at earlier camps. And yet, despite knowing absolutely nothing about the industry, I was suddenly struck by a compulsion to start my own Fun Camp. As always, tickets are $10,000 apiece, and survival is certainly not guaranteed.

                Lodging: Given the exorbitant price you paid for a ticket, not even a drunken madman could completely misuse all those funds, so let’s go ahead and get some cabins with A/C. I don’t care what region it’s in or the time of year, mankind makes temperature bow to our whims, I shall not yield that power for anyone. Outside of that, let’s say there would be small cabins people could rent, or massive standard halls like we’d all expect. I was tempted to say just the small cabins, but some folks dig the communal aspect, so we wouldn’t want to take that away. Plus, when night comes and the howls begin to rise from the wilds, you might be glad for company to huddle with.

                Location: Obviously somewhere warm. Perhaps a tropical island, reachable only by boat or plane. A special sort of locale, the kind few people will ever find. Was it lost to the world for a reason? Only you can find out, as you trail the mysterious tracks along the beach or go hunting those strange noises from the forest. Time slips here, lasting as long or as short as you wish. Where are we? How long since we arrived? Only the moon knows, and she guards her secrets well. Also there’s a calendar in the dining hall.

                Activities: Aside from the odd aspects of the island, we’ve still got fun to be had! There’s a scavenger hunt that requires going up to the old mysterious temple where people keep vanishing, keg stands near the beach and the strange eyes that seem to watch from the water, and of course lots of lounging in the pool. For the more daring, there are tests of courage, although as the numbers dwindle just staying alive might fall into that category.

                Classes: Don’t worry, we know a big part of the camp experience was the (checks notes) mandatory courses you had to attend. Huh. We’re sure this was supposed to be fun, right? Well, whatever, we’re all here so let’s make the most of it. Fun Camp will offer classes in bartending, mixology, cocktail preparation, subduing ancient evils, and of course, a sommelier-intro course for all our fanciest attendees. Come ready to work hard and try your efforts, so maybe have some pretzels on-hand for the booze classes, and an enchanted weapon for the other one.

                Events: We know that camp is defined not by the days spent hanging around with friends, but rather by the huge tentpole events that dot the summer. To that end, there will be no shortage of special days and nights to help you build (and lose) ample memories. From our big “Night Under the Ominous Clouds” dance to our “Run For Fun (and Also To Live) marathon, you’ll talk about these events for years to come. Those of you who can still find the courage to speak, that is. For our more relaxed attendees, don’t stress, there will also be chill events for you to partake in. In those cases, it will mostly just be when everyone starts drinking by a pool, so I’d expect to see them popping up frequently.

                Traditions: Be it a song, yell, or intricate tattoo etched in a blood not quite like anything you’ve ever seen, people who attended a camp have a shared history of traditions to help identify and bond with one another. Fear not, as Fun Camp will be institution several of these. Make eye-contact with someone else holding a drink? That’s a chug-off, all other situational context be damned. Our camp song is whatever they play at your local bar to shuffle all the drunks out the door. Don’t worry, when everyone is slurring they pretty much all sound the same, it doesn’t matter if we’re not all on an identical tune. There’s of course also the tradition of spinning three times counter-clockwise after speaking the name of one of the island’s great beasts, though that’s more for prudence than tradition. Can’t go drawing their attention or we’re all doomed.

                Safety: As you can imagine, safety is our highest concern at Fun Camp. That’s why you’ll be properly outfitted with all necessary wards and weapons to have a safe, enjoyable time at camp. No creeping grabbler is going to get the drop on you, and they actually make a fun noise if you pop them just right. Now, if you hear the stories of enchanted items or hoards of gold and decide to go investigating off on your own, Fun Camp accepts no fault or liability for any harm, curses, or other injuries, be they metaphysical or mundane.  We’ve got our space, the creatures of the island have the rest, and you enter their domain at your own risk.

                Overall: We hope you’ll come join us at Fun Camp, which is absolutely real, and definitely not an island of lingering evil that bribed Drew’s brain spiders for a free plug. Tickets will be on the website soon, or you can walk outside on a moonless night, crack a beer, and lift it to the sky. If an unkindness of ravens should descend and pluck the drink from your hand, consider your registration on the books. Alternatively, if it’s a blazing hawk with golden eyes, go get another beer. That’s from a competing operation, and if it happens don’t be shocked should you end up in another realm next time you step in the sun. Those hacks and their showy teleportation.

                We look forward to seeing everyone at Fun Camp, where the fun isn’t just mandatory, it’s compulsory!