This Sunday is Easter, which means aside from the fact that a lot of people will be able to indulge as Lent comes to an end; many of you will be spending that day with family. For lots of you, I’m sure it’s a day of worship and comradery, and to you folks I say have a great time, I hope it’s the best Easter yet. For others, however, Easter is less than thrilling. Not everyone is down with the religious institutions they were raised in, and being around family can be stressful for some folks even at the best of times. Given our current social and political climate, I’d bet every Golden Corral in the south has at least 3 screaming matches apiece on Easter.
So, as a helpful coping method for those of you in the latter group, I decided that today’s blog would be dedicated to making Easter into a drinking game, turning all the annoyances and oddities you deal with into reasons to nip from your flask. Oh yeah, this requires bringing a flask with you to your Easter celebrations. Don’t worry; a lot of people are there with you. Look, Grandpa just took a sip of something while no one was watching! Eh, you missed it. Point is, if you need a way to distract yourself through the holiday, give the game a whirl!
-Every time one of your cousins/siblings/etc is mentioned because they won’t be making it to the church service. Double drink if the tone used implies that no one actually believes whatever excuse was offered up. Triple drink if the excuse is incredibly valid, such as being stuck at work or in the hospital.
Extra: If your cousins/sibling/etc is able to join up later in the day, go ahead and give them a pull from your flask. They’re going to be dealing with passive aggressive shade for the rest of the day, they deserve at least a shot.
-Anyone in your family uses the words “those people” in any context. I mean, there’s technically a small chance this won’t be racist or political… but we all know it’s going to be.
-As we all know, Easter lunch is generally a later in the day affair, and many people skip breakfast due to the impending big meal or early mass. For this rule, every time you see someone breaking down and eating one of the hard-boiled Easter eggs because they can’t hold out for food any longer, take a drink. Maybe offer that person a quick nip too, because they are clearly not having a great day.
-Since Easter and candy go together like… well, Halloween and candy, it goes without saying that any children in your family will be sugared to the gills before the morning is done. But with a sugar rush comes the inevitable crash, so take a drink every time one of them passes out in the afternoon. Double drink if they conk out somewhere not generally used for sleeping.
Extra: If you’ve got a few others playing the game with you, maybe try creating a race for the kids while they’re all sugared up. It will be a fun way for them to burn off some energy, plus you can bet drinks about who you think will finish first.
-When lunch finally comes, time the grace. Under thirty seconds and you’re clear, drink once if it goes over the half-minute mark. Add a drink for every additional ten seconds from there. If you reach a full minute, feel free to just pull your flask out and openly waterfall until the grace is over. No one will blame you, they’re hungry too, and maybe this ridiculous antic will hurry things along.
-If you live in a state where marijuana has recently been legalized, take one drink for every older relative that has suddenly calmed way the fuck down since last time you saw them. Double drink if you actually catch them ingesting something. Also, offer them a few sips, perhaps sit down and have a talk. They might appreciate the company, and honestly this is probably some of the least dramatic conversation you’ll have all day.
-If you live in a state where marijuana is not legalized, take a drink for every relative that goes off for a walk and returns later with vacant stares and red eyes. Be subtle about it though, you’re clearly getting hammered today, no reason to bust someone else just because they prefer a different way to power through. Also, if you aren’t already, make friends with those people. Methodology aside, you are all obviously on the same Easter wavelength.
-Every time there’s a fight, you guessed it; you’re up for a drink. This counts anything with shouting and beyond. Screaming, name-calling, all the way to actual punches, take a drink for any of it. Then stand back, because you do not want to disrupt your chill Easter by getting into someone else’s drama. Unless it actually comes to blows, then maybe help break that up. These people have to see each other at the next holiday, after all.
-This is only for those who are really feeling brave and brought an extra deep flask: drink every time you see a new cross through the day. In church, on the walls, as jewelry, any of it is fair game. If your family is predominantly secular or celebrates differently, feel free to swap out crosses and instead drink to pastel colors. You’ll still be drinking a shitload, and you can find those hues in just about any Easter gathering through the nation.
-We’ll close out with a classic that’s applicable at every family gathering, not just Easter. Take a drink each time you get asked an uncomfortable, probing question. Some classics include: Why aren’t you working a job that uses a degree? Why don’t you just ask for a promotion? Have you tried walking into offices and trying to talk to who does the hiring? No girlfriend/boyfriend to bring? Or, if you do have a partner, why not married? When are you having kids? Why don’t you go into finance like Cousin Dmitri?
Extra: Drink every time someone tries to get you to explain Bitcoin to them. Double if it’s Uncle Jethro, who thinks he can really make some money with that.
Hope this livens up your holidays, or, if you don’t need a drinking game for Easter, that you have a great time sober. As for me, I’ll be participating in the same Easter tradition as always. Lying in wait, wearing full camo and a pith helmet, in hopes of tracking that bunny back to his chocolatey hoard. Someday, Mr. Floppy Ears, I shall be victorious. Someday.