Whoops, I Accidentally Broke Time

                Hey folks, can’t really hang around for long today, this week has been really crazy. Like, literally insane, the sort of series of events that makes one question the coherency of their own mind, until they remember those shots of Everclear they did an hour prior.

                To sum it up: Monday this dude in a silver jumpsuit and weird helmet appeared in my living room. And, like any good Texan dealing with an intruder, I hit him in the head with a baseball bat (guns require too much clean-up). Anyway, the dude drops this weird device near my feet; I go to pick it up, and poof: suddenly I’m being hurled through time and space.

                Gotta say, time travel always looks a lot smoother in movies than in is in real life. Stepping outside the flow of cause and effect is sort of like stepping outside your own skin. Which, by the by, also happens when you time travel. It’s a pretty nasty experience, all over, but it does give you a nice buzz for like 5 minutes afterward, so maybe give it a shot if you have the opportunity.

                It took me a few tries to figure out how that doohickey worked, for a little while there I was sort of bouncing around at random. Don’t worry though, I remembered the moral of all the time-travel books I’ve read: kill every butterfly I see so those fuckers can’t flap their wings. Didn’t actually find any butterflies though, so I just tried to do right wherever I could.

                And yes, before anyone asks, I did end up in pre-WW2 Germany for a brief stint. Don’t worry; I made sure to tell everyone nearby what a total shitbag Hitler would be and not to get involved with him in any way. I wasn’t around long, but the people at the Academy of Fine Arts in Vienna seemed very receptive to what I had to say, so I feel like they’ll probably spread the word.

                Ended up in Victorian England for a while too. Good beer, weird clothes. Had a few drinks with a dude moping on about lady-troubles. I told him to stop internalizing everything, he needed to work through his issues rather than wallow in them. Start a project of some kind, be creative, do something to really leave a mark on the world. Not going to lie, I may have changed a life back there. When I have time, I’m going to see what Jack ended up doing with his life. And if he ever found love.

                Definitely thought I was home for a while, since I popped out in Dallas. Then I saw the old cars and realized I was too far back. Still, it was nice to catch a parade. Not sure why that creepy dude ran away from the grassy knoll when I sat down to watch the cars drive past, there was more than enough room for everyone. Then again, I think he went into a book depository, so maybe he had actual business to see to.

                Here’s the crazy thing though, this time-doodad hasn’t just been sending me to the past, I’ve also gotten to see the future as well. Good news: we finally crack flying cars by 2030. Bad news: the airlines can’t compete, so they lobby and pass legislation that makes using them illegal by 2031. Also, don’t put too much of your financial portfolio in gold. When it comes out that magic and alchemy are both real in 2045, the price of pretty much any precious metal goes to shit. The only exception is, surprisingly, aluminum. Turns out, neither alchemy nor magic can reproduce that shit, so buy as much aluminum foil as you can now, and prepare to be set for life.

                Fashion also takes a weird route somewhere down the line, with pretty much everyone donning single piece silver jumpers. I got one on my last trip, and I have to say it’s pretty comfy. Little snug, but that’s what happens when you steal a jumpsuit from some dude passed out on a bar’s sidewalk. Yup, we’ve got flying cars and alchemy, but people still want to get shit-faced. Weird thing though, these jumpers are the exact same outfit as the dead guy in my living room was wearing, save for the helmet.

                The silver lining to all this is that I think I’m starting to get the hang of this device. Finally made it home, obviously, but I plan to set out again real soon. Just wanted to knock out this week’s blog and see if the stuff I’d done had any cool effect. If you’ll all excuse me for a moment, I need to hit up Google before it changes its name to OmniMurderCorp (2018).

*             *             *

                …wow. I, um… wow. This… whoo, this is a big fuck-up. Jack, the Dallas parade, the Academy of Fine Art… something tells me a cookie-bouquet isn’t going to make amends for this one. In fact, I may have broken the entire timeline with all that dumb shit.

                Okay, look, this one is on me, and I’m going to fix it. Don’t worry, I have a plan. I’ll go back in time to right before I got the time-device, and stop me from ever picking it up. Wait, shit, Past-Me is going to be drunk and violent if I suddenly appear in the living room, and he’s a good swing with that bat. So first, I’ll grab a helmet to protect myself, then time-jump back to warn Past-Me not to do shit. Then we’ll sit on the couch, drink some beers, and watch old movies. This is good. This is the perfect plan, there’s no way it can go wrong.

                I’ll catch you folks up on how it plays out next week, once we’re all back in the proper timeline. Until then, enjoy this brief respite from the telepathic slugs that drop from the sky. Not sure how I prevented that nuisance from occurring, but it’s definitely not worth the trade-off.

                Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy a helmet.