My Plans For The Unlikely Event I Become A Billionaire

                Look, we all know why people get into the author game, right? I mean sure, living a life doing your art, feeling fulfilled, waking up excited to see what the day brings, all of that shit is fine, but ultimately isn’t it really about the money? That big J.K. Rowling level cut of the cash pie that means life is eternally changed and the guy who does your finances has a guy who does his finances because that’s the level you’re playing at.

                Okay, so obviously I’m kidding, I do this job because I love it, and even if I hit it ultra-big tomorrow I’d still be writing, both because I don’t handle boredom well and because writing helps keep the brain-spiders at bay. But every author hopes, all the way down in the corner of their minds, for that level of success, both because it means a lot of people are reading our work and that much financial success means we can buy the fanciest of boozes.

                Some get taken by surprise when it actually strikes them, a mistake I don’t intend to make. Thus, I’m creating a contingency plan for the event that someone in Hollywood falls in love with my books and the waves of cash start rolling in.

                1. First, and what I consider to be most important, I’ll buy a volcanic island lair from which to live and work for the remainder of my days. I’ll be honest, this one is a mix of my love for beaches and the fact that I suspect I might go down the super-villain route if given that much money. I mean… I do want super powers, and I feel like with enough science and (well-compensated but illegal) human testing that could be in the cards for me. Know yourself, is what I’m saying, and that means I might have need of an island fortress down the line.

                2. I’ll next sink a shitload of capital into teleportation technology. An island lair is nice, and I do love to lay out and get some rays, but the commute every time I wanted to visit friends or see a movie would be a total fucker. Even assuming I got a private jet or something, who has that kind of time? Plus I’m prone to motion sickness, so that much flying would just give me more problems than it solved.

                3. If the teleportation thing doesn’t work out, which I do have to face as a possibility, I’d either build a small town on my island, or just get a nice condo back in the states. I wouldn’t have gone evil yet, after all, so the volcano lair is more for backup than necessity. I would still pop-by on occasion though, just to make sure the staff isn’t going nuts with the liquor cabinet.

                4. A golden throne, staffed by very large people, to carry me about. The large people thing is just necessity, since I’m a big guy and I don’t want anyone pulling a muscle. To be honest though, I like to work out and stay active, so the throne would really only be for formal occasions, like if I’m trying to make a good impression or I’ve closed the bars and feel too lazy to walk home. Of course then I’d have to make them swing by a Taco Bell, which would take hours… you know what, maybe I’d just get a car and a driver.

                5. Swimming pool filled with domestic champagne. Look, obviously you're all aware that this is a joke article, and nothing in it is meant to be taken seriously, but this right here is the exception. Mark my words, people, if I do become a billionaire by some mix of luck, fate, and proof that the world is a place of unending chaos, I will use that money to fill a pool with bubbly hooch. I don’t even have a good reason for it, just seems like it would be a lot of fun.

                6. I’d make a lot of donations to technological start-ups, e-cycling programs, and basically anything that worked to treat electronics well and move them forward. This is mostly a cover my ass move, since it seems like we’re barreling headlong toward the singularity. If the robot uprising does come in my lifetime, I’d like them to check their databases and say “Oh, never mind, Drew’s cool. He helped fund a bunch of robot orphanages.” I may not know how the hell a robot orphanage would even work, but I do know I don’t want to die by laser gun to the face.

                7. At this point, I’d basically have to try and create a set of Iron Man armor. Wait, sorry, I would have to pay people to try and create one. I got a degree in English and slept through my physics courses, I’m not adding shit to the field of science. But anyway, I’d still want one, and with enough money I might come close. If nothing else, it will add a layer of protection if I have to duck back to the volcano lair and hole up. Might mean I could even still go out on the town, as long as the helmet had space for a straw.

                8. Maybe I’d start my own Con. It wouldn’t actually be different from every other one out there, with the exception that I’d provide people with electronic badges that held a place in line digitally. That way people could “line-up” for one event at a time, then spend the next few hours checking out vendors and shows and shit instead of standing around. There would doubtlessly be some logistical hurdles, but that’s what I’d pay smart people to fix. Also, definitely a great chance to bust out the ole golden throne.

                9. I’d bring back Pushing Daisies. Yeah yeah, I know everyone wants Firefly, but that actually still has a shot on its own. Pushing Daisies is gone for good, unless someone who doesn’t care about money throws a shitload of it at the problem. I love that show, damn it, and I would use my enormous funds to see it resurrected…. or at least given a proper ending. Samurai Jack, too.

                10. I would clone my dog, probably dozens of times over, both because mortality is a thing that I’d like to semi-circumvent, and since he was rescued I never got to see him as a puppy. Might work in some genetic manipulation with a few samples too, just to see what the scientists can come up with. I mean, Dr. Winston is awesome, but a Dr. Winston that can shoot spiderwebs to bring me the remote, even better!

                This is only the starter list, mind you. I’m sure once the cash actually became real, things would go even more off the rails. Like I said up above: you have to know yourself.