Fuck You, Malibu Red

As anyone who has been reading my site for some time is aware, I am not shy about my enjoyment of booze. In fact, I’ve met very few varieties of hooch that I couldn’t find some way to enjoy. Whether it was creative mixing, finding the right proportions, or simply pouring the liquid into a glass of ice, pretty much every adult beverage is okay in my book. This leads me to my central thesis of today’s post:

Fuck you, Malibu Red.

For those of you who don’t know, Malibu Red is a new concoction from the makers of Malibu Coconut Rum. It combines coconut rum and tequila in one bottle, promising a symphony of a flavor that will also get you toe up from the floe up. Basically it’s supposed to be a buddy cop movie in a bottle. The tequila bolsters the alcoholic content so that it will actually affect a heavy drinker, while the rum covers the usual tongue scraping taste of cheap tequila. That’s what it promises. What it delivers is more like pairing a Hatfield and McCoy in an enclosed space with lots of ammo.

I’m using lots of pretty language, but let me spell this out at least once: This drink is horrible. You’d think they wouldn’t just chunk two unrelated liquors in a bottle and call it a day, and in even having that thought you have already given more of a fuck than the people who cobbled together this hooch monstrosity. The taste is awful, the kick feels like it came from a drag queen who just walked through a river of shit, and even when mixing it refuses to turn palatable. The tastes are so disparate that trying to pair with one only emphasizes the disharmony of the other.

The worst part of all this? If you’re an ego driven drinker like myself, you can’t just admit it has all the flavor appeal of a freshly fucked asshole. No, once I pour the damn drink I have to finish it, because anything else would signify that I’m smart enough to stop drinking something awful once I’ve tasted it. And since that’s all we had, once the glass is gone you manage to convince yourself that maybe it wasn’t all thaaaat bad…cycle repeats. Anyway, my head hurts and my tongue has that disgustingly-sweet-yet-still-nasty thing going on. Heed my warning people.

Learn from my pain.