Well, it happened, and it looks like there’s no going back from it now. Someone leaked my rider, the document all “celebrities” have for setting up their accommodations before they arrive at a venue. Now some have said that mine is, perhaps, a tad ambitious for a mid-list author who does most of his catalogue through indie publishing. And to those people I say “Sure, but since when is being ambitious a bad thing?” Got to set up those expectations early on, so that when I go full on Howard Hughes nuts toward the end no one can look back and say it was a surprise. To that effect, and to save you the trouble of googling about, I’ll go ahead and just paste the rider here, for all to see. Full transparency and all that.
The Official Drew Hayes (President of Thunder Pear Publishing, 2-Time Shot Champion, Silver-Tier Chipotle Rewards Member) Rider for Personal Appearances.
1) Drew Hayes must be greeted upon arrival by a full band. What they play is up to them, but it must be well-rehearsed and pleasing to the ear. Please note that Mr. Hayes defines a full band to have at least 1: guitar, trumpet, saxophone, drum, bass, xylophone, bagpipe, and triangle. No one else is required to listen to the sound they create, as our lawyers have told us that might technically be classified as torture.
2) Drew Hayes expects a fully-chilled keg in his green room, with plastic cups of at least Solo quality. Color is irrelevant, only durability. The keg beer must be: beer and cold. That is the only direction Mr. Hayes is willing to give, so please do not ask him for more. Efforts to make him choose result in him breaking down in tears, saying it is like picking a favorite child.
3) The greenroom will also need the following furniture: 1 table large enough for beer pong or flip-cup. 1 couch soft enough to pass out on. 3 chairs of any quality. 1 television with access to Netflix. 1 over-sized bucket that no one would mind seeing puke in, as the drinking games often lead some to vomit. At the discretion of the venue, they are permitted to put plastic down on the floors and carpet to make clean-up easier. Mr. Hayes has thrown a house-party, he recognizes the struggle.
4) Any member of the staff that looks Drew Hayes in the eye will be expected to take a drink. This is less of a condition, more of a general warning. When the party is going, he will begin to expand it outward, much like the growth of a natural disaster. Please keep any employees uncomfortable with such recreational activities out of Mr. Hayes’s line of sight for their own good. Or have them say they are designated driving upon catching Mr. Hayes’s eye. He respects those who take on such a mantle, and will immediately cease any and all attempts to make them drink. They may, however, still be in danger of getting dragged onto stage. Which brings us to:
5) A karaoke machine must be available and hooked up to the television. There is a high chance this won’t get used, but every now and then when the crowd feels it, songs of drunken revelry begin to get belted out, and Mr. Hayes likes to offer a platform for such celebrations. Luckily, he recognizes that he is tone deaf and will not insist on joining the activity. Unluckily, that restraint vanishes around drink #8, so perhaps pick something cheap and spill beer on it before reaching such a point. It’s your venue and your machine, so you make the call, but ear drums are harder to replace.
6) With all the drinking and games, food will be a must for Drew Hayes and his growing katamari of intoxicated revelers. To that end, there must be access to burritos, sandwiches, sushi, and pizza. Basically, anything that would taste good drunk and help soak up the alcohol is going to go over great. Don’t be afraid to include some regional favorites, by the time they get around to eating it’s unlikely they’ll even taste most of it, so there’s a lot of leeway here.
7) A golden chair will need to wait outside the green room, a throne that Drew Hayes can be lifted upon and carried to his next destination. Probably it will just go to the bathroom, though, what with all the fluids he’ll be taking in. And he generally only uses it for the first few trips, after that he realizes it takes too long. Do yourself a favor, stick him in a greenroom right near the urinals and make it an easy trip on the people who have to do the carrying.
8) While it is a given that some celebrities will want to come party with Mr. Hayes, they will need to be vetted on a case by case basis. The exceptions to that are listed below, as these celebrities are to be permitted instant access to any and all backstage shenanigans:
Neil Patrick Harris
John Cena (or anyone with a comparable Make-A-Wish record)
Let’s just save time here and say anyone from a Bryan Fuller show
Jeremy Fucking Irons
Dame Helen Mirren
Anyone with beer
9) Fans who wish to go backstage (who do not already satisfy the “bringing beer” requirement) will be permitted only if they prove capable of answering thee these riddles three. Mr. Hayes does not actually have riddles in mind; he will let you freely choose/create your own. The sole condition is that he himself must not be able to solve 2/3 of them, as if he can do it then he deems them too easy. Given Mr. Hayes’ penchant for pre-gaming while being driven to a venue, there is little risk of him actually being capable of solving them. Occasionally they forget to stock the cars with backseat champagne, however, so have a few extra riddles on hand just in case.
10) Finally, Mr. Hayes will need a dedicated escape route as once whatever show he is part of is over, he will anticipate a huge crush of fans screaming and pelting him with tabletop miniatures. This has never actually happened, not even close, yet he continues to anticipate it so accommodations must be made.